Monday, October 4, 2010

Battle Hookers

There's porn worth reading out there too, folks.

Sites like Literotica and The Erotic Mind Control Story Archive have tons of free porn for you to read.

Don't make that face at me. Any--ANY video made to get you off is at best a guess at what you're looking for. When you read, your mind fills in all the details perfectly, custom-tailored to your tastes. Voice? Perfect. How long are they in that position? Up to you. Her race? Watch this:

"She was a black an Asian girl with B DD cup breasts."

See? Writing is awesome. I wish I could swap out the girl in a video (or my bed) as easily. I'd never touch a tit below C again.

Anyway, here's a story called Battle Hookers. Unlike the film industry that likes to say anything to make you watch, stories usually deliver--this tale has Battles, Hookers, hookers battling, catfighting, sex, toys, girl-girl and...

...go read it.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Good Things

A beautiful thing just happened.

No, even MORE beautiful.

Anyone who's a real fan of anything knows what it is to hunt down one, particular hard-to-get item. While the Internet has made a great many things easier to get, some things are still elusive.

Well, thanks to the magic of, my Barbie Cummings-loving friend finally located a scene he'd been looking for since he found a preview in 2006. I know what it is to finally find that item you'd been trying to collect. Helping people definitely feels good in that non-erectile way.

As you can see, Barbie Cummings has what they call a Class 5 Ass. It's round, bubbly, and all it does is bounce seductively all the while a huge cock pistons in and out of it. She gives great head too, courageously facing (hehe) this big black monster:

That reminds me, I have to feed the anteater.

This is a classic video at this point; the main movie is no longer available. You can still find the whole thing as 5-minute clips if you hurry up and type Barbie Cummings into the Brazzers search bar.

What are you waiting for? Go do it!

Tuesday, September 21, 2010


No response yet on my suggestion for Priya Rai doing an anal scene. Not that I expected the clouds to part and Lord Brazzerus would conjure me up some random desire, but it's good they at least have the feedback mechanism in place. They probably tally the stars and scenes and actually do it when they get enough requests.

I'm going to go watch Poon Tang Clan: Enter The 36 Chambers of Muff.


Because it's called Poon Tang Clan: Enter The 36 Chambers of Muff.

Again, I love and hate Brazzers. The afore mentioned film parodies neither the Wu Tang Clan nor Kung Fu movies. It doesn't even have Asians. Or Blacks.

It does, however, have a tattooed, pierced, schoolgirl getting double-penetrated by a dude and a chick with a strap-on.

Wait, a Suicide Girl is actually having sex with someone? Best pornsite ever.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Deathmatch: Brazzers vs. Pornhub

After other "free" sites got pwned, PornHub inserts $0.50 to continue.

In the red corner, representing Pay Sites, weighing in at 900 models, it is the self-professed "World's Best Porn Site," BRAZZERS DOT COM!!

In the blue corner, representing Free Sites from around the Internet, it claims it can "make your dick bigger & your pussy wet," PORNHUB DOT COM!!

Alright contestants, make this a good clean fight. The scoring rules are here. Today's challenge is...

--->Prija Anjeli Rai: Anal<---

And a tough challenge indeed for our competitors. Anjeli Rai is a hot little number with 34Ds of Big Tit action, but will your average or even above average porn site shelve this spicy Indian sensation?

Diving into the frey first, offers an impressive 19 scenes within the first five seconds to score a quick ten points. But do any of them have anal? A weakness and a strength, Brazzers keeps screenshot galleries of all their videos so you can scan for anal content, but that will eat up a lot of time.

At three minutes and counting, we cannot find a confirmed anal shot of Prija and may have to settle for alternate content.

And...nope. enters Classic Pool Boy Adventures: Big Tits, Blowjob, Facial, Indian, MILF in 3 minutes, 29 seconds (209 seconds).

Challenger PornHub's search for Priya Anjeli Rai turns up nothing. Search results for "Indian" and "Indian Anal" return roughly the same page. Challenged as was Brazzers, there's plenty of Indians and plenty of anal but no way to be sure of getting an Indian doing anal.

Near the top of the page and without much time to spare, enters Anal Loving Arabic Beauty in 2 minutes, 54 seconds (176 seconds).

Time Score: A quick 10 to Pornhub for being faster, leaving Brazzers with [10*176/209] = 8 points.

Star Score: A quick 10 to Brazzers for an Exact Star Match. Pornhub has to make do with a bevvy of close-enoughs. They'll satisfy your Indian craving but have nothing if you're an Anjeli fan.
Prija Anjeli RaiNot Prija Anjeli Rai

PornHub scores 2.5 for a Body Type Match, forgoing race/chest matches in favor of time and content points.

Content: Full marks for PornHub. From 6 minutes, 47 seconds on, we have anal. A merciful 3 for Brazzers, gaining porno points for gonzo, oral, and titjob.

Bonus Options: Brazzers picks up two for each of the following: Full Screen Option, Download Options, Streaming, Porn Star Bios, HD On/OFF. 10 Points. Brazzers gets an additional 4 points for having forums attached to every movie.

Pornhub offers Full Screen and Streaming but that's about all you get for free. 4 Points. Pornhub claims to have a community but you have to sign up. We'll award them the 4 points anyway.


We're not going to wait 24 hours to test a response from the support team because it's 35 to 30.5 in Brazzer's favor. A 4-0 win in this category by Pornhub would make the score 35 to 34.5, still a loss for PornHub.

--->Final Score: Brazzers 70, Pornhub 61<---

Meaning: Brazzers delivers Priya Anjeli Rai videos better and with more options. Had the dice landed on "titjob" or "gonzo" this wouldn't have been a close contest at all.

It doesn't show up in the test, but Brazzers accepts scene suggestions for its stars. That is, you can suggest Priya Anjeli Rai do an anal scene, especially since neither competitor had exactly that.

So I suggested it. Let's see what happens.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Musings of Membership

I'm not dead, just employed. I'll have to fix that.

One thing about reviews in general is you're getting the reviewer's take after a very short time with whatever he's reviewing. No one ever talks about the extended experience with the product because no one ever writes a review after spending a long time with the product. The more famous the reviewer, the worse this problem gets--these guys are paid to be funny about something once a week.

So at somewhat regular points I'll describe what it's like to be a member of whatever. Such posts will have the "lifestyle" tag.

Brazzers: I love and hate Brazzers. It is a paragon of photo and video quality to the point where most stolen images you see (on caption sites) are from Brazzers. The women are famous in their industry, and to get such fame one must be scorchingly hot even while not having sex. With the top quality women in top quality photography, what could go wrong?

Brazzers makes no sense sometimes. For instance, if you read their plot summaries they are alarmingly pro-emasculation. Particularly in the Big Tits in Sports section which usually involves a guy losing to a girl and then she gives him pity sex. Well, whatever gets the vaj on the dick I suppose.

No, I don't suppose. I demand more from my porn. You lured me in here with promises of a story, now make a good one and keep it as part of the sex. I'm tired of just two idiots fucking. When I care about the characters and when it actually means something for them to be having sex, the scene is that much hotter.

If that sounds good, you might want to try...

JSexNetwork: I will love you forever for getting Taimanin Asagi Live-Action. That film is an example of what I'm talking about. Asagi's first sex scene is between characters we've met and care about, at least a little. Also, the entire first sex scene is driving a plot. The point is that the Japanese treat their subject matter with respect and the finished product comes out better. Americans know that light shows, smoke and mirrors sell product, so they make a shit product and focus on the light shows to sell it.

Sure they have fuck films too. They're just up front about it. "Maria Ozawa in Lewd Body Hard Sex." They're not trying to tell me Maria Ozawa is playing a scientist but all they do is slip a lab coat on her and it's off for sexing in 5 minutes.

Hentai Key: They have tons of sites but you're only going to need 3. Hentai Movie Planet, Master Bloodfer for doujinshi, and Hentai Guess for games--Like the Taimanin Asagi game which has an English crack. (Seeing the game in English provides much insight into the movie.) Most of the other sites look like they were coded in the late 90s (and probably were) but believe it or not, the downloads work.

Honestly, I find myself rifling through their sites for a rare comic or game that's caught my curiosity. It's a great resource to have on hand. Downloading even one movie, book, or game makes the whole thing worth the price of admission.

PubaCash: I'm not a big fan of individual star sites, but the membership decision here is a no-brainer. Are you an Asa Akira fan? Yes? Then go sign up. There are 14 sites on their network and one of them is general porn, but really you're a fan of that particular performer. Go check out their stuff. Want to collect all a girl's videos? Get to it.

Follow the links in my Porn Worth Buying window to all of these sites. Chrystal Wynd's site is free and there is a new story up. If it isn't posted there yet, it is at the Erotic Mind Control Story Archive.

Thursday, September 9, 2010


Closed for Jewish holidays

I didn't say I was Jewish, only that I was closed. In the meantime:

The pussy you could be saving by switching to Geico.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

You've Been a Naughty Website

It's no secret that I'm an advocate for paysites. At least, I don't think it is. After all, behold my superlative financial status:

Thank you, sir. May I have another?

So if that's me, why am I such a staunch supporter of paying for it? I'd love to take the high road and say:
I've grown mature enough to realize there are industry professionals that dedicate themselves to producing quality product, not just the film stars but the engineers, gaffers, caterers, customer service reps, and agents that need our dollars to feed their families.

But really, I just can't stand the bullshit. I wish I never Googled "free porn." What happened in the Deathmatch yesterday was a disaster, not to mention a complete waste of a system I spent days devising.

So I checked the top ranked Google Pages (as #1 for "Porn Worth Watching" on, I can tell you only Google matters) for a good Deathmatch opponent for Brazzers. The #1 rank is and look what I get when I search for FREE PORN:

They shouldn't be allowed to do that.

There's nothing wrong with giving out free candy to get people to come into your store. There IS something wrong with doing that in a candy store, pressuring them to buy what they thought was free once you have them in there.

Why does that place even turn up when you search for FREE PORN? Because it's in the title bar. "All the free porn you'll ever need." In any other business such lies would land you in jail.

Of the top 5 Google hits, actually seems to deliver free porn without asking for my name, credit card, or anything. Sure there's commercials everywhere, but when I clicked on "Amazing European Boobs" I actually got a video with some amazing European Boobs.

I wonder if she's really European.

Oh, guess who's ads appear on PornHub.

Next: Brazzers vs. Pornhub

Monday, September 6, 2010

Deathmatch: Get Me Tori Black Double Penetrated


In the Pay corner, weighing in at $0.27 per day, it is the self-professed "World's Best Porn Site" with over 1,000 stars at its disposal, BRAZZERS.COM!

In the Free corner, it is the #5 Ranked Google Exact Match for "Free Porn," it has a DVD section, LOVEROFPORN.COM!

Click here for the Deathmatch Rules

Combatants, the dice have been cast and the result is: Tori Black being double penetrated.

In 31.66 seconds, I was able to load up, type "Tori Black" into the search window and have a choice of seven movies:

Only seven? Bitch better work harder.

There is no double penetration video, so Brazzers is going to submit Best Birthday Ever, the only movie of the seven that seems to have a third person.

And now I have to adjust my chart because there's no entry for two girls and one guy. That can wait for another challenge. Anyway before we total the points let's look at the challenger:

I typed "Tori Black" into the search window at and instead of search results, this came up:

These are not search results.

Stop the match! A registration gateway blocking search results? That's below the belt. Worse, I didn't ask to see "Sperm Drippers 1" and I'm not here to create an account. Who knows where my info will be sent. I'll fill out your form, but you pull another stunt like that and you're disqualified.

So I fill out the info, fake data of course. Then this screen came up.

If it's free, why do you need my credit card number?

The site is free--for one day. There is fine print at the bottom that they don't expect you to read. It says:

* After 1 days, uncanceled free accounts conveniently convert into standard accounts billed at $39.95 monthly.
**Bonus $1.20 memberships rebill after 10 days at $34.95 per month until canceled.

Basically, their sales pitch depends on the customer going through three steps. 1) Search for free porn. 2) do something tedious so you'll pull out the credit card rather than turn away. 3) forget to cancel after 1 day.

What's the "bonus $1.20" thing about? See how there's a box checked there for you? That's a subscription to another porn site that they hope you won't notice. They intended to charge you $74.90 without even showing you search results.



That shit was disgusting. At least pay sites don't say they're free before charging you $74.90. That's almost an entire year with Brazzers. Oh, speaking of which:



Hold on there, Brazzers, you're not getting off that easy. I'm going to find you a real opponent. Google #3 perhaps?

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Deathmatch Rules

Battles will take place in Thailand.

Or not.


Coming up with a fair system was the challenge. People want to see hot girls doing certain things, so that will be the main part of the challenge: Find a randomly determined porn star performing a randomly determined action. This measures the chances of anyone finding anything he wants. Partial credit for finding Something Close.

Next you have the thing most web sites are based on: ease of navigation. Since this is a head-to-head test, we're just going to measure the time it takes to find what we're looking for or Something Close. Fastest time wins, runner-up gets partial credit.

Finally we have the Bells & Whistles section. A pay site should have a wealth of information, support, and other fun things to do while you're there. Can a pay site deliver just as well, or should you spring the 27 cents a day for Brazzers? (Yep, they offer a 1-year package for an amazingly low rate.) Sites will receive points for having a few key elements.

"Randomly determined action?" "Key elements?" All is explained in...


The two sites will be given a star and an action for that star to perform. A chart will be made for each challenge with 20 prominent porn stars and 10 simple sex acts. Using a 20-sided die and a 10-sided die, the challenge will come from this chart:

Today's Top Ranked Stars
Fun Porno Actions
1.Shyla Stylez
2.Lisa Ann
3.Audrey Bitoni
4.Jenna Jameson
5.Eva Angelina
6.Nikki Benz
7.Priya Rai
8.Jenna Presley
9.Jayden Jaymes
10.Carmella Bing
11.Alexis Texas
12.Tera Patrick
13.Sara Jay
14.Jesse Jane
15.London Keyes
16.Phoenix Marie
17.Tori Black
18.Asa Akira
19.Rachel Roxxx
20.Sasha Grey
1) gonzo
2) oral
3) anal
4) titjob
5) dp (MMF)
6) girl-girl
7) gangbang (M+/F)
8) orgy (M+/F+)
10) FREAKY!!!

If the action is not found,
partial credit is 1 point per action in the movie
found on this list.

If the porn star is not found, partial credit is
2.5 points for finding one porn star "close enough"
in: Hair, Chest Size, Race, Body Type

Finding the star is worth 10 points. Finding a video of her doin' it your way is another 10 points. That's 20 points total.

The page loads and it's time to find what's-her-name doing that thing you like. Fastest time wins 10 points. That's the easy part. Second place gets points given by this formula: (Faster time / Slower time) x 10. If Site A takes 3 minutes and Site B takes 5 minutes, then Site A gets 10 points and Site B gets (3/5)x10 = 6 points. This measures the sites against each other, not against an arbitrary definition of "good navigation."

Lastly, the Bells & Whistles section scores sites on a system we already know: Points if you have it, zero if you don't.

Two points for each of these:
Full Screen Option
Download Option
Option to Stream Video
Porn Star Bios/Anecdotes
Working links to codecs and other media players
Turn HD On/Off
(12 points)

Four points for each of these:
Response from the support staff within 24 hours
(8 points)

The total perfect score is 50. Since we all grew up taking tests out of 100, we'll multiply the score by 2 in the end. That will show the sites on an A to F scale.

Tomorrow we test the test: vs. Google's #5 Ranked for "free porn."

Friday, September 3, 2010

Site Issues

I'm going to stop talking about Taimanin Asagi now. If I don't, this entire blog might end up dedicated to it as I delve into the important differences between the movie, anime, and game. (Game Asagi takes it in the ass.)

While I was nerdgasming, website issues I'm supposed to be blogging about have been piling up. So here's what's been going on during the review:

Them blogs in the box:

Fuck them. Not a single referral. There are much better things to put in that box, like...what qualifies me to talk about porn, for example. On the other hand...

Adult Blog Hub:

...has actually sent me traffic before destroying my account. Their support email address was completely unresponsive, not only when I was not signed up but reporting their FAQ page didn't work, but after signing up as well. Furthermore, they deleted my account because they thought I was a professional. It's called "competence." Anyway, I made a post directed at them and cleverly made a new account so they'd have to go read it. No effect. Not even a response to the email. Overall, Adult Blog Hub is one, big, giant, gaping...



Gives the kind of service worth paying for. Speedy responses from a knowledgable support staff dedicated to making the site work for its users. When I reported that a server was acting slow for me, they replied:

"I will get the admins to reboot all the servers. Most of our servers have been running for over 250 days without a reboot. Lets see if that will speed things up." My computer can barely go a week without something going wrong. I've restarted like twice today. And, wow, download is at 700kbps.

Tune in next week for the first Free vs. Pay Deathmatch: vs. Google's #5 hit for "free porn."

(What, you don't expect me to start with the Main Event, do you?)

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Ninjas & Demons - Chapter 2

This is the reason Taimanin Asagi is one of the most amazing adult films:

We say it a lot, but when do you see someone actually fucked silly?

Let me explain. The demon is in the details, that is, this movie is the story of how Sakura and Asagi ended up that way. I'll summarize here for two reasons: 1) it's worth mentioning and 2) there's a language barrier.

Oboro, the returned-from-the-underworld lady in red with demonic tricep fat, isn't content to simply have Asagi raped by demons, nor was Oboro satisfied to posess and rape Asagi's fiance. This movie tells the story of Oboro's true goal: Reduce the warrior Asagi to a weak, submissive, perpetually horny sex slave--a slave to the countless men that want to use her and a slave to the pleasure she gets from it.

American porn usually goes Problem-->Fuck-->Problem Solved. This film tells the story of Oboro's revenge as her carefully selected methods reduce Asagi from the top Demon Hunting Ninja to...

Above: Dick, Bush, and drilling for oil.

After the first gangbang we immediately cut to Asagi being raped by tentacles. They don't really explain much at this point.

Nor do they have to.

Thank you for that. Nana Aoyama is one of those girls that's so hot we'll watch her do just about anything. At first this scene seems disconnected and typical of porn--she just loves it. Her hated nemesis is back from the dead and she's a blindfolded prisoner, but the tentacles feel so amazing inside her she can't help but cum and cum as the creature violates her further and further, marking his territory with monster goop.

In the next scene Asagi is dried, has a new costume, and is strung up by the wrists. Then we learn Asagi's body is hypersensitive to sexual stimulation. The hated Oboro nearly forces Asagi to climax just from feeling her nipples through her costume.

I had my suspicions but finding the English version of the video game at HentaiGuess confirmed it: the demons in this series secret an aphrodisiac that permiates the skin and turns the whole body into one, big sex organ. Now Oboro isn't the hottest fire in the camp, but what happens in this scene...

Give me an "I!" What's that spell? hot on so many levels. Even if you're like "fuck character drama" there's lesbian, domination and submission, bondage, forced climax, and, spoiler alert: squirting. Plot development wise it's also where Japanese speakers figure out the effects from the tentacle scene.

A few more extended scenes of this and you get:

Damn Oboro, is it Try Too Hard 'o'clock already?

Oh yeah, spoiler. Messing with dark powers doesn't work out as well as Oboro thought it would. Still, this doesn't end like you think it does. If you want to pick your ending, go get the game.

And there you have it--pornographic narrative. The story of mighty warriors reduced to silly sluts. Just like America, Japan has videos where they throw two people in a room and tell them to fuck for whatever reason. This film simply beats the shit out of all of them.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Ninjas & Demons - Part 1

"Hey, Asagi."


"If tentacles are solid already, why do they need erect penises on the ends?"

"I don't know."

Click here if you don't get it.

Taimanin Asagi (Ninja Demon Hunter Asagi)

I am putting a ring on this one.

This is a nearly shot-for-shot remake of the anime and the first thing you notice is how well they (Attackers) pulled it off. The opening scene is complete with an upbeat theme song and 300-style camera speedups to create the illusion of fast-paced anime combat. Lesser moves with the Danger Chick concept usually fail right here because most porn stars aren't trained for fighting scenes and their slow, awkward movements make their performance unconvincing. The stars of this show have their inadequacies covered by camera effects so we actually believe we're watching ninjas fight.

As for the main cast, Asagi is the Goddess of Rapable Ninjas. She's clearly seen the anime and understands how to portray the unbearable extasy Asagi endures as countless dicks and dick-like things wail on her orgasm button. Oh, and she has stonking great, anime-sized tits.

I've seen enough. Nana Aoyama, will you marry me?

Sakura (国見奈々 / Nana Kunimi) is Asagi's kid sister. Sufficiently cute, her 34C's (Japan calls her cup size 95G, which sounds much better) don't really carry that anime buoyancy on screen. At least the costuming is screen-perfect.

Smaller boobs end up as ancilliary characters.

Oboro (石原あすか / Asuka Ishihara) really doesn't look like herself in this movie. While Aoyama can pull off ninja resolve with subtle facial ticks and Kunimi correctly ported anime cuteness into her character, Ishihara leaves the anime look behind and goes for soemthing a little more...scary clown.

Why so serious?

The first major sex scene involves Asagi and Oboro but not in the way you'd think. In a short time the movie sets up complex relationships between the characters that make the scene more interesting. Asagi goes to meet her fiance Kyousuke but finds the slain Oboro there instead, back from the Underworld. Oboro has posessed Kyousuke and managed to seal Asagi's power while her defenses were down. Helpless, Asagi must endure Oboro's clever two-part torture.

The first part is obvious; Oboro summons otherworldly beings to abuse Asagi.

Dink dink, dink dink dink DINK DINK di~nk...

You'd think Kyousuke is the cuckold in this case, but remember he's under Oboro's control and not really there. To hurt Asagi, Oboro starts to suck and fuck Asagi's fiance right in front of her, taunting the whole time. Well, except when the dick is in her mouth. This helps the whole scene come together. Normally it's just porn talk when the fuckee says "it's going in so deep" and "it feels so good." Now the lines have a real depth to them since they're being used to tease Asagi.

You might think this is cruel but remember, Asagi did kind of kill Oboro. Our culture says murder in movies is fine, but sex acts get you banned from most traffic exchanges. (Whoops.) This movie at least creates a fantasy setting where neither rape nor murder leave any kind of permanent damage...except Oboro's new thirst for vengeance.

Revenge is a dish best served with semen.

Hey, Asagi.


Will my readers tune in Wednesday for Part 2?

"I don't know."

29% Suck?

Dear JSexNetwork,

Lately my downloads have been freezing and timing out of the server eventually. It seems I can cancel and resume the download, but this is cumbersome and after two restarts my video (~02356) is only 68% done and frozen again. Please advise.

I just emailed that. They don't know who I am or what I'm doing, so this'll be a good test. (My name isn't really Phil E. Ryder. Clever, huh.)

Also, those guys in the Promotions Everywhere box have about a week to keep their end of the bargain. They're on my front page all the time and I'm, what, buried 5 pages down in 1 of their zillion category pages?

Taimanin Asagi, next. Promise.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Existential Crisis... In My Pants

We interrupt the thorough enjoyment and review drafting for Taimanin Asagi (OMG <3 soooo~ <3 good) to bring you this important bulletin: Some shit is up with Adult Blog Hub.

I found them by searching for ways to promote this blog and I despise them for two reasons:
  1. They removed my blog from their site after less than a day

This blog was removed because they think it is a professional site. At this point, I'm the one paying paysites to blog about my experiences with them. (Oh, JSexNetwork: Naughty, naughty; We have to talk about your download issues. Later.) So, maybe I do plan to monetize this blog with referral links. If that alone was a rule that auto-disqualified people, jolly good then.

BUT, their fucking #3 ranked blog, A Slut's Memoir is a BDSM blog with referral links to kink shops. So she can do it with toys but I can't do it with movies? How do you think the discrimination makes me feel?

Notice, what you don't see here is lube.

A Slut's Memoir is an awesome blog. Author SlipperyWhenWet recounts probably true stories of all her tied-up, unrestrained sexual escapades with literary precision. And that brings us to the crisis ladies and gentlemen:

I'm mad at Adult Blog Hub for doing something wrong, but if I'm Porn Worth Watching then I have to tell you about them. So I've done my job. There's plenty of cool blogs there organized in a great system that lets you know who's updating more. (RSS might be easier though.) One more loose end:

This blog is under a month old. I wanted to help steer people away from the traffic circles out there: awful places where ads are the content. In the end, they must have smelled some corporate stank on here.

Do you smell that? Did I step in something?

I don't want to be corporate and stanky. The vision was an entertaining community where people talk about this stuff. That just means I have to rethink this entire blog.

So, for one, blogs. Gotta start doing them too. For two, free sites. It's probably going to be fun to pit free sites against pay sites, that way people can see if it's really worth it to them. For three, and I've been meaning to do this anyway, I have to find stuff that sucks. It's no fun, no credibility if I just love everything.

To sum up:
  1. Adult Blog Hub is actually worth going to.

  2. Adult Blog Hub is currently being an unresponsive, hypocritical bastard.

  3. Apparently, I'm covering the whole Internet now.

  4. Free vs. Pay, deathmatches next week.

  5. My intended update schedule would have made me #10 on Adult Blog Hub.

  6. I gotta go find more readers now.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Grow Your Penis By 6762 Miles

Stretch your erection halfway around the world, for at long last it is time to cover the JSexNetwork--the best source of Japanese porn I have ever seen. I have to admit this is kind of cheating. I'm already familiar with the JSexNextwork and I'm happy to be back on it. So before I get into the opinionated stuff, let's cover the Unbiased Facts:

The J Sex Network

Join if you love/skip if you hate: Japanese girls...they count as "Asian."
Cost: 1 candy bar a day
Come For The: Feature-length adult videos; short, pleated, schoolgirl uniforms
Stay For The: The Weird Stuff

Japan is the weirdness capital of the world.

Find the Japan 1 Fuck Grand Prix Championship in their "Exclusive AV Programs" section.

The Signup Story

There is no loud "Join Now" button in your face. In fact, non-members can browse all sections of the site. Only movie downloads and full-sized images aren't available. When ready, click on registration. Memberships are recurring, so mark your calendar with a cancellation date. (Of course, I want you to subscribe through my affiliate links and stay forever, but I don't need chargebacks or angry readers.)

Signup was rather painless since my Brazzers signup showed me the hard way which credit card won't go apeshit on me. (HSBC Mastercard.) You can choose between 30 and 60 days, with the 60-day option saivng you about $7.90. (Extra Starbucks for YOU!)

Your username and passcode are nine-digit numbers given to you on signup. Plus: No bickering over usernames, no typing and retyping passwords. Minus: You almost have to copy and paste your login. Browsers have "REMEMBER PASSWORD" checkboxes. USE THEM.

I went to D-Bank to download the movie that made me go "holy shit, it's time to join JSexNetwork again:"

Ninjas AND tentacles? Where do I sign up?

By the way, it isn't that I expect this film to be jizztastic. (It probably will be.) There's a "Dude, you gotta see this" aspect at work here. Live-action anime. Ninjas. I'm in.

Click the movie you want and you have to copy/paste your password again. Check the "remember" box. Here's where you need some Japanese patience. This isn't a Tube Site where you click and watch a stream. You're downloading a feature-length movie. Right-click, "Save Target As." My technology is shitty so I waited about half an hour for my 2GB download in two files. This is the part where you multi-task and reward yourself later.

You worked hard. You deserve one of these.

I did have a problem with the first download, it seemed to save the shortcut rather than the file. I refreshed the page and all was well.

Here's another cool thing: Verotel, the merchant provider of many adult sites, now has a QuickCharge account. If you agree to log in you don't have to keep entering your data. If you're using the Internet as a porno-go-round, that's awesome.

So that's the story of JSexNetwork. This post says nothing of the amazing and wonderful differences between Japanese porn and American (more toys; more big, natural breasts; innovative plots and scenes) nor has it reviewed a movie. Tune in next week for Taimanin Asagi (Ninja Demon Hunter Asagi).

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Dat Asa - Part 2

Last time, on Porn Worth Watching: Our heroine was left with a gigantic James Lipton buried deep inside her tiny Actor's Studio. So stunned from the filling experience, she lost all memory of the script and began screaming the stage directions:


And now, the exciting conclusion.

Pardon me for being facetious, but the lack of good script writing combined with bad delivery is one of the things that makes porn so damn funny. Done properly, the viewer can at least look past all that and see the erotic forest through the poorly-written trees. This film does it OK if cheating wives is your thing. There are only two lines once the fucking starts:

"I'm a cheating whore."
"...better than my husband's cock."

Spaced out through the sex to break up the monotony of fucking (it is kind of repetitive) it gets the job done if (and only if) you've really got a thing for slut wives.

Wives don't just go from "I promised God I wouldn't" to "stick it in my cheatin' vadoodle" just like that. Believe me, I've tried. (But if you do like that instant "your brain does what I want, right now" stuff, check out the Erotic Mind Control Story Archive.)

Good stories come from conflict. It would have been much hotter if we got to watch Asa struggle against her loyalty a bit more, and during more stages of foreplay. I'm talking about the difference between porn and erotica:

Porn: Asa gets on the couch, opens her legs and let's Keiran spit-lube her into readiness.
Erotica: Keiran steps behind Asa and lowers her bra straps. He begins to massage her nipples and she shudders from the pleasure, but moans "I can't" as she pushes one bra strap back up but doesn't move away. Holding her left bra strap with her right arm causes her breasts to lewdly display on her forearm.

Both scenes cost the same to shoot.

Porn: Keiran wips out his Rod of Lordly Might and Asa spends the next 10 minutes trying to fit as much of it down her throat as possible.
Erotica: After muting her protests with kisses, Asa pushes him away but is still on the couch. Keiran releases his erection and asks her if she remembers how good it felt. Asa is forced to admit what happened and agrees to blow him but after that he must leave. We all know it won't end there, but Asa needs to fool herself right now.

Too complicated? How about having Asa follow Keiran's example and keep her voice down. This is a slut wife fetish film, at least maintain the premise of Not Wanting To Wake the Husband.

Well, that's my gripe. On to happier things: Asses.

Personally, I don't understand what's so magical about some little brown eye, but everyone in Brazzers just seems to love sticking their fingers in it.

Mordor's lesser-known countryside, MorBackDor.

When I first watched a Pornstar's Punnishment video I thought the anal fingering (yes, that's a tag on Brazzers) was special. It turn out not only is this a common practice, but everyone seems to have their own style:

Keiran Lee throws a mean knuckleball.

I should mention Asa's third primary line here, "put your finger in my ass." I get it, we're reeeeeeeeeeeeeeally turned on because lust has made you take leave of your anal senses, but this is the wrong shot for it:

Now paint the Sistine Chapel on my back. Oh, <3 ~yeeeah~

Not to be a hater, but this shot makes her implants look fake. There's no winning there, you turn on the implant lovers and turn off the nature lovers. Whatever, everything looks real in a bra. They totally make up for it in the next shot though. It isn't every day I watch porn and learn something:

DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. (I'm totally trying this at home.)

Remember, these people are trained professionals and their studios probably have insurance contracts. I'm not responsible if you end up really embarassed when you explain to the doctors what happened.

Overall I can't say this film is a date replacement on a cold Friday night, but when I've already got a companion I'd click my way here for a little ambiance. (Or, "prediction of her future.") This is one of Asa Akira's better projects; I've seen her humble beginnings. I'll leave you with the main reason to go get her stuff:

She rolls herself into the cutest ball of fuck you've ever seen.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Dat Asa - Part 1

The problem with reviews is you get a very short time with your subject and you're off to the next one. Today, Brazzers taught me a valuable lesson: things grow and change as you think about them. I was ready to dismiss the site as just a lot of the same crap behind all that exquisite, high-class photography and video quality, but one, new video changed my mind:

Asa Akira in "Say 'Hello' To Your Husband For Me."

It's almost like they read about my troubles in Japan last week. Searching for "Asian" now turns up videos with actual Asians. The best one they have, though, isn't until page 2.

Asa Akira is Japanese by race but she fucks American-style. (Yes, there is a huge difference.) Naturally gorgeous and curvy, stunning in heavy eye make-up, artistically inked and one of the most amazing asses on a Japanese girl, it is worth the price of admission to Brazzers to see the four hours of material they have with her, never mind the other 988 porn stars there. could go to the Asa Akira main site where you'll get her stuff and 13 other sites.

OK I'm done orally pleasing her, time to get off my knees and talk about this flick.

Those geniuses in the Movie Naming Department may have already tipped you off that this is a cheating wife film. Maybe the fact that it's in the Real Wife Stories section also clued you in. Or, the first three minutes of exposition could have told you that. The plot is simple, but it's still an impressive bit of character development for such a small bit of dialogue. Asa travels the world on business and doesn't get much time to spend with her husband, apparently played by John Belushi:

Samurai Pornstar is dishonored by your adultery.

The couple finally has that dinner and movie night they've always wanted, but you can tell they've been apart so long the "about time" attitude is burying any romantic comfort it might have brought them. Asa is also troubled by someone, a lover or stalker perhaps, that won't stop calling her. It turns out he's a little bit of both, and this is where the movie stops making sense so they can fuck.

Awoken by the stalker's 4:20am call (Brazzers freezes their clocks on 4:20) and worried there might be a stalker in her house, Asa goes downstairs in her sexy underwear armed with a rather lightweight iPhone.

Knock out a burgular? There's an app for that.

This is where everyone's talent gets underused. Through some great act of irony Asian skin doesn't look great in yellow, and through an act of DNA Asa's best assets are her face and ass, neither of which is the focus in this shot. Keiran Lee (the one in the suit), on the other hand, is actually British and should therefore have a much better bad guy accent. He's here to half-seduce, half-blackmail Asa into letting him fuck the fidelity out of her like he does on all those business trips. I'll settle for your best Jeremy Irons impression.

Really my darling, I can free you from this dreary love life.

And cue the cheesy music. It's porn so he'll go leaping towards the clittoris, even though there are lots of things you can do first. Asa will try to get that massive rod down her throat, bless her heart, but he'll have to settle for that trick where she uses her hands to make him feel like the shaft is deep in there. Then, agains all laws of biology, this happens:


His cock is literally 1/8 her height and he buries that thing to the balls in her. HARD. A LOT. It's like she has a secret door in there.

OK, I've covered the uninteresting parts. Tune in later for Part 2.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Ow, My Aching Sense of Time

Back from Japan. The jet lag is violent, clubbing me into unconsciousness at inopportune hours. So worth it. Here's a minor fraction of why:

I told you I'd bring you back something good. Generally I'm anti-banner and I'll get some text link code eventually BUT, those three names up there are valuable information. Those women make some damn fine movies and you can get them without any trouble.

Anyway, I found my next target for a movie review:

Look upon their works, ye mighty, and weep. Taimanin Fucking Asagi has a live-action release. The very existence of this film is earth-shattering news with fangasmic implications.

Firstly, this is the fastest anime-->live-action release ever. First released in Japan for download on February 24th, 2007 we see a live-action just a short three years later. Dragon Ball Z needed over 20 years.

Secondly, this makes Pixy Soft the baddest ass of all the hentai creation studios, or at least a trendsetter (we hope). This is the strongest show of capability since convincing Hentai Key to take all their movies down. A shame, since I found Pixy Soft in the first place by noticing all my favorite movies had the same maker. Pixy Soft has risen to fame by creating sexy action chicks that get in over their heads and end up gangbanged by man and monster alike. What can I say, they really know how to treat a lady.

This makes the live-action Japanese studio Attackers the perfect company to produce this film. Basically, the top anime producer of ninjas, investigators, valkyries, and other danger chicks failing their missions and getting reamed for it has teamed up with the top live-action producer of...just that.

If this trend keeps up, if other studios keep making these team projects, there will not be enough sperm in any human ball sack to keep up.

The future is a wonderful place.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Subscriptions, Save Me

I'm as far from home as I can physically be. I can't mack real women, and I have limited use of the language here anyway. It costs $12 for one, shitty hotel adult movie. Net connections are slow, and my shitty travel netbook doesn't have a DVD drive. Plus, this thing automatically detects my region and makes my netbook display East Asian characters, but I don't have East Asian fonts installed. So, no local text reading either.

Which web site will save me?

I logged in to Hentai Key but I couldn't get Hentai Movie Planet to load. Might be a local legality issue or perhaps the hyperdrive is broken. That was yesterday, let me try again.

I have to reload the page a few times but things are coming up. Apparently you don't get great speeds at foreign hotels using my shitty travel netbook. Who knew. Hmmm...

Hentai Movie Planet won't load.

Orgasmic Animation, the second choice, is up! Cool, I wanna see Mistreated Bride 3. They don't stream, so I have to download. Actually it's both. You click the link and it opens a YouTube style viewing window that won't play right until enough content is downloaded. See how I'm really roughing it out here?

The Mistreated Bride series is good by the way. Hot sex with a MILF who's big on the tits and small on the willpower. Lots of incest but it's related-by-marriage, so you can pretend the half-relations are full-relations if you like incest and non-relations if you don't.

Well, I'm going to have to run that on a real computer. Let's try Brazzers.

OK, the connection is so bad here it took the Member Login page 10 seconds to load. Doesn't bode well for digital media. Login, password, CAPCHA...yeah, a site that big they probably get a lot of burgulars trying to pound down that door.

Being in the far east has given me a craving for Asian food, and by "food" I mean "fap material." Let's look at the Brazzers Asian selection; they have a pull down menu.

Son, I am disappoint.

The first hit is for a movie with Keiran Lee. I guess they figured "Lee" gets the Asian tag. Keiran Lee is British. And a dude. The other hits aren't much closer. Got this hot blonde in a kimono-like thing though.

I have Brazzers for, like a year. Really, for a little under $99 you get it for a whole year, phucken steal. I don't know if it's the right site for me. Great shots, but...well, all their movies are the same. Spoiler: blowjob, spank, fuck, blowjob, money shot.

HEY! Hentai Movie Planet loaded! That took forever. Let me just click on this movie I want to see and...*sigh* wait for it to load.

... doesn't work out here either. I hope it's that. Wouldn't want to return home to find them not existing anymore. THERE's some Porn Worth Watching.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Japan: Respect, Culture, Porn

Japan is a wonderful place with a culture thousands of years old and--

Fuck that, what's the porn like? Well, 90% of it is Same Shit, Different Island. It's the minor cultural differences that shape the other 10% of it into Porn Worth Watching.

Don't worry, I *WILL* bring you back something from Japan, I promise. Here are the top 5 reasons you're looking forward to that, and I'll be developing some of these ideas in later posts when I'm not on vacation. (That's right: sequence of events: Phil plans Japan vacation, much time passes, Phil gets crazy blog idea and actually does it, Phil's flight leaves for Japan.)

The Top 5 Reasons You're Looking Forward to Seeing Japanese Porn Here

  • 5. Show me a country's taboos and I'll show you it's porn shelf. Office ladies, schoolgirls, teachers, groping on the train, and fucking a girl JUST because she has big titties.

  • 4. No duckface. Ever wonder what porn would be like if women didn't contort their painted faces and curse all the time? It'd be much sexier.

  • 3. Fully customizable. When you don't know what they're saying, you get to fill in the blanks. Whatever you wish she was saying, well for all you know, she's saying it.

  • 2. Variety of actions. Like I said in the Discipline Rei review, Japan is considerate and stuffs a variety of activity into its porn. Sure the live stuff is a bit limited by reality but it still goes way beyond blowjob-->doggie-->reverse cowgirl-->blowjob-->finish

  • And the Number One Reason You Want To See Japanese Stuff Here: The Asian tag is like bacon--anything you put it on gets better. There is no "Asian" tag in Japan--there's an "American" tag. EVERYONE HERE IS ASIAN. Think of the implications here. Whatever you want, whatever you're into, whatever you want to see, be it big breasts, foot fetish, threesomes, anal, lesbian, rape, toys, or toys raping lesbians, imagine it where everyone is Asian.

  • Yeah. I'm near Akihabara so I'm going to check out the sex shops and see what's good. Then when I get back I'm going to find the sites that have that good stuff and get you guys (both of you) hooked up.

    Saturday, August 7, 2010

    Finding Ms Right Now

    Today I will tell you a love story. A magical tale of penis meets digital girl. :::Cue up Michael Bolton::: "When a pe~nis, loves a digital girl / fingers start touching his pants / sure they're really his own / but he pretends they're hers...

    So I searched the top rated models on Brazzers because hey, why go through 989 porn stars when the thousands of members can help me figure out who's worth watching, right?

    Don't get me wrong, there all hotties. Mostly. 989 (probably more after this writing) is enough for anyone to shop for what they want. Anyway, I found these on the first page (30 per page):

    Nice rack, but in the mood for something else.Nice tits, but they're on a horse.Kill it with fire.

    A lot of them seem so whorishly dolled-up. Don't get me wrong--I love that. For some reason on that day at that time I asked myself:

    Is there a natural beauty here? Someone enhanced rather than created by all the photoshopping and make-up?

    Yes, and she's on the second page with a rating of 8.56, with the highest rating being 8.73; so she's 98% Hottest on Brazzers.

    Pardon me while I sigh dreamily and breathe out her name. ~ <3 Austin Kincaid <3 ~

    What photo, you ask, among the sea of tans, tits, and threesomes caught my attention? This one.

    She's not even looking at us.

    So I clicked her page and had 23 scenes to choose from, based only on the title and a picture:

    I asked the cleavage, it swears there's a cock in this photo

    I loves me some blackmail porn where she ends up loving it anyway, so I figured I'd fire up this doobie and see how high it takes me.

    The Secret Is Out

    Omigod omigod omigod she's so hot. When you've been watching porn, selling porn, sometimes hangin' out with porn stars as long as I have, you start to think no one can make you flip out over beauty like that anymore.

    Brazzers classifies her as a MILF. This must be a biological technicality; at 30 she has flawless skin, tender curves, and a sultry voice. ~ <3 Austin <3 ~ Where was I? Right.

    That sultry voice of hers is giving phone sex. To herself mostly. Make sure BOTH your speakers are working or you'll have to download it legally in one of 7 formats and play it off your hard drive.

    Anyway, you don't want to miss this. In an industry where so little character development happens, we get a good, long look at everything we need to know...about why we want to fuck the shit out of her. Long, smooth legs that lead all the way up to lacy underwear. The high heels arch her calves and make her legs look extra sensual. Double-D breasts strain a tight top and she's playing with them, suggesting it's as much fun for her as it would be for you.

    And don't get me started on heavy eye shadow. It makes the eyelids look heavy, tricking your sexual subconscious into thinking she's having an orgasm. Combine that with bright colors (the peacock mating ritual) and the jizz is as good as on her tits already.

    Movie? Well, compared to anime hardly anything happens. The dude is some kind of investigator and has to report her phone sex activities to her husband. She does this because the husband has a small dick. (Weak, but Kincaid is more than hot enough to get away with it.) Our investigator proposes a solution: he has a huge cock, so if he gives it to her she won't have to have the phone sex her husband hates so much. (Very faulty logic, but it gets the dick in her.)

    Personally, I think she's way hotter in this with her clothes on. Her beauty shines through clothing, inspiring awe and anticipation.

    All while sucking a dick.

    But then this happensAnd this.And this.
    Over and over again. Sure that's the good part, but it's also regular. For all her exotic beauty (Half-Cherokee FTW!) in the end, she's simply getting pounded with a huge cock. I think she deserves more. Like double-penetration.

    Or a money shot on those awesomely-constructed tits. That works.