Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Raging Semi

The subdomain issue is resolved so you can tell everyone about I'm starting to get the hang of all the nifty stuff blogger can do so I'd say this blog is now semi erect. Ragingly semi.

Who cares about that. I'm selling tons of porn at Otakon so since I'm a proud member of Hentai Key it's time to let everyone know what's behind that door.

Hentai Key - Quick Overview

Price: 7 Venti Caramel Macchiatos and 1 Doppio Espresso Macchiato.
Sites: More than you can shake a dick at. 49 at last count.
Download Speed: With tons of other apps open, I got about 500k/s.
Downside: Lots of individuals use the Hentai Key paygate so sometimes you hit a really slow server. Worth waiting for if this is your thing though.
Content: Movies from new releases back to the classics, thousands of complete doujinshi (naughty fan-drawn comics, oh and ORIGINAL CONTENT. That's right, they make their own stuff. Anyone with a cell phone and a $50-whore can make a movie. These guys license and produce anime.

Overall, one month on this site and most of your porn folder will become legit; their collection is that expansive. They're in production and that means employees, which means joining will help put roofs (rooves?) over heads and food on tables. So the next time someone calls you a perv, ask him what he's done to feed hungry children that day...that dickhead.

Poking around for...much longer than I wanted to, I've discovered the following:

  • You don't need that many movie sites

  • You do, however, need all the doujinshi you can get your cyber hands on

This is due to there being only a few hundred movies and a few hundred thousand doujinshi (naughty fan-drawn artbook) in the world. For instance, Doujin Daily has parts 2 and 3 of a spectacular Fate Stay Night doujinshi that requires no understanding of Fate Stay Night (I have none). Poking around some more, I found that Master Bloodfer's page has part 1 so a complete story fetishist like me can walk away happy. (Wouldn't kill Mr. Bloodfer to organize his site better...)

Anyway, both sites are under Hentai Key. And yes, the books are translated. And no, doesn't have those books. Look for Dorei Kishi (Slave Knight), by Kusari.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Erectile Disfunction

Still having trouble erecting this blog. Right now there's a problem with the www subdomain so going to works fine while gives a 404 page. This time the problem's on their side so I'm supposed to sit here and fap until their version of Geordi Laforge figures out how to fix things.

Speaking of fapping, there's better news afoot. Hentai Key has joined our wonderful and growing family.

Like Brazzers, Hentai Key is an umbrella password giving you access to tons of other material. It is a completely different perversion from Brazzers, offering access to Japan's fucked-up shit rather than America's fucked-up shit. You can still download complete movies and pics at record speeds, but the girls will be exotic and foreign.

OH, animated girls totally have huge tits. They're not bound by physics or anything. If you're not into this stuff yet, check it out. Disregarding porn because it's animated is SOOOOO 1995.

Boob diameter = forearm length. Go get it.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Of Prisses and Bitches

Like I said before, just added a new section called Pornstars Punishment. I think they mean Pornstar's Punishment but whatever. I assumed they put their best boobs forward and clicked the leftmost, topmost movie to check out what this new site has to offer. Without further ado, presents a review of:

Pretentious Little Priss Whore

Watch If You Love / Skip If You Hate: Rough Sex, London Keyes, Revenge Fantasy, Slapping, Choking

You can't tell from her strained expressions under the yoke of male rage for which she is to blame, but London Keyes is stunningly beautiful. With soft, brown eyes and full, red lips complimented by expert make-up and high-def production, she is a canvas of poise and beauty...that suddenly gets a dick rammed through it. What? It's not like you don't already know about her tits and pussy.

Anyway, I have issue with the title.

Prissy: overly prim and precise. (Probably a blend of prim and sissy, adds Merriam-Webster.) "Priss" is not a word, more of a Bubble Gum Crisis/Blade Runner. reference.

Oh, I get it. We think Priss = "no leggy spready" so it's boner-inducingly satisfying when Mr. Penis forcibly explains her prim and proper place. And she loves it. I guess that's the "Whore" part of the title. I see what you did there, you clever movie-namers.

The plot is halfway between believable and that pornographically-hilarious thin veneer of an excuse to get uglies to bump. ("Did someone order a pizza with extra sausage?") Our hero, Jordan, takes London Keyes to a Very Nice Restaurant. She ignores his attempts at conversation, is rude and inattentive...yeah, you know, is an overall bitch to him. Bitch. Not prim, proper, or prissy. The Grammar Gods would frown upon thee were it not for the Porno Gods jizzing all over their prissy faces.

See if she were actually prissy she would have turned her nose at Jordan's hobbies and instructed him about fine, "real" hobbies like equestrian events and...OH RIGHT! FUCKING!

Oh, my that is a deep throat. Basically after several rudeness infractions (You're just going to have to watch; she really does something reprehensible.) Jordan snaps and decides London will be a "good little girl." Turned on by his sudden manliness she immediately begins enjoying the rough treatment, as if her arousal level were a carnival game where one could raise the bar by slapping something repeatedly.

Those of you that like to feel shreds of humanity with your rough sex porn will be delighted to know that this is not the proper way to choke a person. London has a face of aroused defiance, not one of desperation for air. Jordan is demonstrating the proper way to choke a Muppet.

The degradation continues with something I have no choice but to call "the fastball." Thank...well, London can thank herself for this one. Porn stars clean themselves GOODbefore an anal scene, so don't worry about it when those fingers go right back in her mouth. Furthermore, the movie Clerks 2 assures us it is perfectly OK to go ass to mouth in the heat of the moment.

Overall, this video makes up for in production quality what it lacks in convincing performances. I understand the revenge fantasy, but London's enjoyment and approval of her treatment don't really make for good vengeance. She's not supposed to like it. In the restaurant, I never heard Jordan orgasmically scream "OH YEAH, SHIT! FUCK! ORDER EXPENSIVE FOOD AND DON'T GIVE ME ANY SEX! OH YEAH! IGNORE MY FUCKING BRAINS OUT!" Yet there's London, getting off on her half of the story.

Speaking of getting off, I'll leave you with a Money Shot game. Can you tell the sperm from the spit? OnMouseOver code doesn't work in this blog, so scroll down to see answers.

Mmmm, psghetti.

Ready for the answers?

How many did you get right?

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Blogging Despite God's Best Efforts

Somewhere in the cosmos is at least one divine being. Far beyond human intellect, it manipulates minor events in space and time that butterfly effect into massive phenomena. If it wants you dead it will not strike you down with lightning; it will cause you to run out of milk so you have to cross a street while a driver's child is distracting him. Even that is too simple an operation for this being. Also, this being is a motherfucking asshole dead set against this blog happening.

In a way it's good that all this happened. I need to test the customer service on these places and I'm proud to say Brazzers passed with flying colors. It's my credit card companies that failed.

Technology is amazing--before you make a purchase, like a porn site, your credit card will automatically decide that it isn't you making the purchase and will shut down. To its credit, Brazzers will send you to a backup merchant if the first one fails. So I had to call the bank and tell them that I wasn't a crook and that I was, in fact, buying porn. My card still wouldn't work, even though the bank told me it should.

But what about all the data I'd entered three times?

I called the Brazzers customer service hotline. Let me repeat that. Brazzers customer service hotline. It has real people that are friendly and trained to be patient with spelling out names and numbers. So lay your "is-this-a-fly-by-night-sham-operation" fears to rest. People pay mortgages and feed children with the money you give Brazzers.

They were very helpful, taking care of everything on their end and even taking my info over the phone with another card. That card failed. Amazingly enough, Brazzers was willing to let ME put THEM on hold while I called that second bank to explain to them that I am not a crook. You'll get no such customer service from your bank.

The cause of the auto-rejection was the card having a zero balance, hadn't been used recently, and the billing source was in a different country. Still, it was annoying. It's a credit card. They can run the charge and call me later. Anyway. This bank managed to get the card unstuck, and now I'm a proud member.

Oh, Brazzers will let you pay by check.

The delay tale isn't done. Brazzers is so hot my video card blew out. I lost all the notes, wisecracks, and photoshop crops for the very first real article I was putting together for this thing.

Well all that's done. Now I can rebuild that post. I'm excited, I was reporting on the brand new section Brazzers added. :::phone rings:::

What? Fuck.

Gotta go, family is whining about something. Fuck you, you divine asshole.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Updating for my Fan.

Still finding the right language for the description and the basic model of something that's going to be a regular job for me. Here's what I want to do:

  • Paysite reviews. I join a paysite without telling them what I'm doing. Screenshots and what I think of them go here. The goal is for you to know if you want to purchase membership before you go through the paygate. Yes, this project will cost me money. Sooner or later I'm going to setup a Paypal donate thing.

  • Erotic writing. Free, because I'm not yet full of myself.

  • Interviews. Believe it or not, I can go get my hands on a porn star. Should I nab one, I'd like to interview her. Bonus points if she's from the site I'm reviewing.

Is it bad that if I get my hands on a porn star, all I want to do is interview her?

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Second Post

And now I'm going to teach myself how to use images in a blog. Drumroll, please.

Ta da! Woooooooooooo! Oh that's beautiful. That's the spreading of some Blogger Wings right there. I have created fire.

Demotivatior by me, Phil E. Ryder. As you can see, my commentary on this began long before I was a blogger. Oh shit, I'm a blogger now.

I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this picture. Tentacle rape pregnancy fetish? Fine. Certainly nothing wrong with that. Of course, most girls would object to that sort of thing, perhaps even be hurt by it. Ms. Background over there is a bit underdeveloped; boobs are too small for a hot model shot and belly is too small for a pregnant fetish, but at least she has her game face on.

Our star, the one wearing the tentacle panties, is trying way too hard for that defiant look. You know, the one you're supposed to fap to because it's soooooooooooooooo hot she doesn't like it but is getting it anyway. Anyway, she overshoots that expression and looks more like she's mad at the tentacle for not picking the kids up from soccer practice. *sigh* Or making her miss House because daddy needs some lovin.'

This is not the first time in the history of porn a girl contorts her face all wrong but some producer thinks it's "hot, hot, hot, baby!"

Kill it with fire.

First Post

I have something to say about porn. For the most part, it sucks and that is a terrible thing. I propose a solution:
  1. I view some porn.
  2. I delve into what's right and wrong with it.
  3. People pay attention and demand better porn.
  4. Better porn.

Until science perfects that customizable robot sex slave and business makes it as ubiquitous as the car, We The People need to speak up.

So. I'll be reviewing the sperm out of model sites, web sites, blogs movies, stories, and most importantly, pay sites. Pay sites use sales techniques to make you sign up--not actual porn. So how do you know if it's any good without coughing up $29.95?, that's how.