Friday, August 27, 2010

Grow Your Penis By 6762 Miles

Stretch your erection halfway around the world, for at long last it is time to cover the JSexNetwork--the best source of Japanese porn I have ever seen. I have to admit this is kind of cheating. I'm already familiar with the JSexNextwork and I'm happy to be back on it. So before I get into the opinionated stuff, let's cover the Unbiased Facts:

The J Sex Network

Join if you love/skip if you hate: Japanese girls...they count as "Asian."
Cost: 1 candy bar a day
Come For The: Feature-length adult videos; short, pleated, schoolgirl uniforms
Stay For The: The Weird Stuff

Japan is the weirdness capital of the world.

Find the Japan 1 Fuck Grand Prix Championship in their "Exclusive AV Programs" section.

The Signup Story

There is no loud "Join Now" button in your face. In fact, non-members can browse all sections of the site. Only movie downloads and full-sized images aren't available. When ready, click on registration. Memberships are recurring, so mark your calendar with a cancellation date. (Of course, I want you to subscribe through my affiliate links and stay forever, but I don't need chargebacks or angry readers.)

Signup was rather painless since my Brazzers signup showed me the hard way which credit card won't go apeshit on me. (HSBC Mastercard.) You can choose between 30 and 60 days, with the 60-day option saivng you about $7.90. (Extra Starbucks for YOU!)

Your username and passcode are nine-digit numbers given to you on signup. Plus: No bickering over usernames, no typing and retyping passwords. Minus: You almost have to copy and paste your login. Browsers have "REMEMBER PASSWORD" checkboxes. USE THEM.

I went to D-Bank to download the movie that made me go "holy shit, it's time to join JSexNetwork again:"

Ninjas AND tentacles? Where do I sign up?

By the way, it isn't that I expect this film to be jizztastic. (It probably will be.) There's a "Dude, you gotta see this" aspect at work here. Live-action anime. Ninjas. I'm in.

Click the movie you want and you have to copy/paste your password again. Check the "remember" box. Here's where you need some Japanese patience. This isn't a Tube Site where you click and watch a stream. You're downloading a feature-length movie. Right-click, "Save Target As." My technology is shitty so I waited about half an hour for my 2GB download in two files. This is the part where you multi-task and reward yourself later.

You worked hard. You deserve one of these.

I did have a problem with the first download, it seemed to save the shortcut rather than the file. I refreshed the page and all was well.

Here's another cool thing: Verotel, the merchant provider of many adult sites, now has a QuickCharge account. If you agree to log in you don't have to keep entering your data. If you're using the Internet as a porno-go-round, that's awesome.

So that's the story of JSexNetwork. This post says nothing of the amazing and wonderful differences between Japanese porn and American (more toys; more big, natural breasts; innovative plots and scenes) nor has it reviewed a movie. Tune in next week for Taimanin Asagi (Ninja Demon Hunter Asagi).

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