Thursday, September 30, 2010

Good Things

A beautiful thing just happened.

No, even MORE beautiful.


Anyone who's a real fan of anything knows what it is to hunt down one, particular hard-to-get item. While the Internet has made a great many things easier to get, some things are still elusive.

Well, thanks to the magic of Brazzers.com, my Barbie Cummings-loving friend finally located a scene he'd been looking for since he found a preview in 2006. I know what it is to finally find that item you'd been trying to collect. Helping people definitely feels good in that non-erectile way.

As you can see, Barbie Cummings has what they call a Class 5 Ass. It's round, bubbly, and all it does is bounce seductively all the while a huge cock pistons in and out of it. She gives great head too, courageously facing (hehe) this big black monster:


That reminds me, I have to feed the anteater.


This is a classic video at this point; the main movie is no longer available. You can still find the whole thing as 5-minute clips if you hurry up and type Barbie Cummings into the Brazzers search bar.

What are you waiting for? Go do it!

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Update

No response yet on my suggestion for Priya Rai doing an anal scene. Not that I expected the clouds to part and Lord Brazzerus would conjure me up some random desire, but it's good they at least have the feedback mechanism in place. They probably tally the stars and scenes and actually do it when they get enough requests.

I'm going to go watch Poon Tang Clan: Enter The 36 Chambers of Muff.

Why?

Because it's called Poon Tang Clan: Enter The 36 Chambers of Muff.

Again, I love and hate Brazzers. The afore mentioned film parodies neither the Wu Tang Clan nor Kung Fu movies. It doesn't even have Asians. Or Blacks.

It does, however, have a tattooed, pierced, schoolgirl getting double-penetrated by a dude and a chick with a strap-on.


Wait, a Suicide Girl is actually having sex with someone? Best pornsite ever.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Deathmatch: Brazzers vs. Pornhub


After other "free" sites got pwned, PornHub inserts $0.50 to continue.


In the red corner, representing Pay Sites, weighing in at 900 models, it is the self-professed "World's Best Porn Site," BRAZZERS DOT COM!!

In the blue corner, representing Free Sites from around the Internet, it claims it can "make your dick bigger & your pussy wet," PORNHUB DOT COM!!

Alright contestants, make this a good clean fight. The scoring rules are here. Today's challenge is...

--->Prija Anjeli Rai: Anal<---


And a tough challenge indeed for our competitors. Anjeli Rai is a hot little number with 34Ds of Big Tit action, but will your average or even above average porn site shelve this spicy Indian sensation?

Diving into the frey first, Brazzers.com offers an impressive 19 scenes within the first five seconds to score a quick ten points. But do any of them have anal? A weakness and a strength, Brazzers keeps screenshot galleries of all their videos so you can scan for anal content, but that will eat up a lot of time.

At three minutes and counting, we cannot find a confirmed anal shot of Prija and may have to settle for alternate content.

And...nope. Brazzers.com enters Classic Pool Boy Adventures: Big Tits, Blowjob, Facial, Indian, MILF in 3 minutes, 29 seconds (209 seconds).

Challenger PornHub's search for Priya Anjeli Rai turns up nothing. Search results for "Indian" and "Indian Anal" return roughly the same page. Challenged as was Brazzers, there's plenty of Indians and plenty of anal but no way to be sure of getting an Indian doing anal.

Near the top of the page and without much time to spare, Pornhub.com enters Anal Loving Arabic Beauty in 2 minutes, 54 seconds (176 seconds).

Time Score: A quick 10 to Pornhub for being faster, leaving Brazzers with [10*176/209] = 8 points.

Star Score: A quick 10 to Brazzers for an Exact Star Match. Pornhub has to make do with a bevvy of close-enoughs. They'll satisfy your Indian craving but have nothing if you're an Anjeli fan.
Prija Anjeli RaiNot Prija Anjeli Rai


PornHub scores 2.5 for a Body Type Match, forgoing race/chest matches in favor of time and content points.

Content: Full marks for PornHub. From 6 minutes, 47 seconds on, we have anal. A merciful 3 for Brazzers, gaining porno points for gonzo, oral, and titjob.

Bonus Options: Brazzers picks up two for each of the following: Full Screen Option, Download Options, Streaming, Porn Star Bios, HD On/OFF. 10 Points. Brazzers gets an additional 4 points for having forums attached to every movie.

Pornhub offers Full Screen and Streaming but that's about all you get for free. 4 Points. Pornhub claims to have a community but you have to sign up. We'll award them the 4 points anyway.





BrazzersPornHub
CONTENT1312.5
TIME810
OPTIONS148


We're not going to wait 24 hours to test a response from the support team because it's 35 to 30.5 in Brazzer's favor. A 4-0 win in this category by Pornhub would make the score 35 to 34.5, still a loss for PornHub.

--->Final Score: Brazzers 70, Pornhub 61<---


Meaning: Brazzers delivers Priya Anjeli Rai videos better and with more options. Had the dice landed on "titjob" or "gonzo" this wouldn't have been a close contest at all.

It doesn't show up in the test, but Brazzers accepts scene suggestions for its stars. That is, you can suggest Priya Anjeli Rai do an anal scene, especially since neither competitor had exactly that.

So I suggested it. Let's see what happens.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Musings of Membership

I'm not dead, just employed. I'll have to fix that.

One thing about reviews in general is you're getting the reviewer's take after a very short time with whatever he's reviewing. No one ever talks about the extended experience with the product because no one ever writes a review after spending a long time with the product. The more famous the reviewer, the worse this problem gets--these guys are paid to be funny about something once a week.

So at somewhat regular points I'll describe what it's like to be a member of whatever. Such posts will have the "lifestyle" tag.

Brazzers: I love and hate Brazzers. It is a paragon of photo and video quality to the point where most stolen images you see (on caption sites) are from Brazzers. The women are famous in their industry, and to get such fame one must be scorchingly hot even while not having sex. With the top quality women in top quality photography, what could go wrong?

Brazzers makes no sense sometimes. For instance, if you read their plot summaries they are alarmingly pro-emasculation. Particularly in the Big Tits in Sports section which usually involves a guy losing to a girl and then she gives him pity sex. Well, whatever gets the vaj on the dick I suppose.

No, I don't suppose. I demand more from my porn. You lured me in here with promises of a story, now make a good one and keep it as part of the sex. I'm tired of just two idiots fucking. When I care about the characters and when it actually means something for them to be having sex, the scene is that much hotter.

If that sounds good, you might want to try...

JSexNetwork: I will love you forever for getting Taimanin Asagi Live-Action. That film is an example of what I'm talking about. Asagi's first sex scene is between characters we've met and care about, at least a little. Also, the entire first sex scene is driving a plot. The point is that the Japanese treat their subject matter with respect and the finished product comes out better. Americans know that light shows, smoke and mirrors sell product, so they make a shit product and focus on the light shows to sell it.

Sure they have fuck films too. They're just up front about it. "Maria Ozawa in Lewd Body Hard Sex." They're not trying to tell me Maria Ozawa is playing a scientist but all they do is slip a lab coat on her and it's off for sexing in 5 minutes.

Hentai Key: They have tons of sites but you're only going to need 3. Hentai Movie Planet, Master Bloodfer for doujinshi, and Hentai Guess for games--Like the Taimanin Asagi game which has an English crack. (Seeing the game in English provides much insight into the movie.) Most of the other sites look like they were coded in the late 90s (and probably were) but believe it or not, the downloads work.

Honestly, I find myself rifling through their sites for a rare comic or game that's caught my curiosity. It's a great resource to have on hand. Downloading even one movie, book, or game makes the whole thing worth the price of admission.

PubaCash: I'm not a big fan of individual star sites, but the membership decision here is a no-brainer. Are you an Asa Akira fan? Yes? Then go sign up. There are 14 sites on their network and one of them is general porn, but really you're a fan of that particular performer. Go check out their stuff. Want to collect all a girl's videos? Get to it.

Follow the links in my Porn Worth Buying window to all of these sites. Chrystal Wynd's site is free and there is a new story up. If it isn't posted there yet, it is at the Erotic Mind Control Story Archive.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Closed

Closed for Jewish holidays


I didn't say I was Jewish, only that I was closed. In the meantime:



The pussy you could be saving by switching to Geico.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

You've Been a Naughty Website

It's no secret that I'm an advocate for paysites. At least, I don't think it is. After all, behold my superlative financial status:

Thank you, sir. May I have another?


So if that's me, why am I such a staunch supporter of paying for it? I'd love to take the high road and say:
I've grown mature enough to realize there are industry professionals that dedicate themselves to producing quality product, not just the film stars but the engineers, gaffers, caterers, customer service reps, and agents that need our dollars to feed their families.


But really, I just can't stand the bullshit. I wish I never Googled "free porn." What happened in the Deathmatch yesterday was a disaster, not to mention a complete waste of a system I spent days devising.

So I checked the top ranked Google Pages (as #1 for "Porn Worth Watching" on bing.com, I can tell you only Google matters) for a good Deathmatch opponent for Brazzers. The #1 rank is SinfulSluts.com and look what I get when I search for FREE PORN:

They shouldn't be allowed to do that.

There's nothing wrong with giving out free candy to get people to come into your store. There IS something wrong with doing that in a candy store, pressuring them to buy what they thought was free once you have them in there.

Why does that place even turn up when you search for FREE PORN? Because it's in the title bar. "All the free porn you'll ever need." In any other business such lies would land you in jail.

Of the top 5 Google hits, www.pornhub.com actually seems to deliver free porn without asking for my name, credit card, or anything. Sure there's commercials everywhere, but when I clicked on "Amazing European Boobs" I actually got a video with some amazing European Boobs.

I wonder if she's really European.


Oh, guess who's ads appear on PornHub.

Next: Brazzers vs. Pornhub

Monday, September 6, 2010

Deathmatch: Get Me Tori Black Double Penetrated

DING DING DING!

In the Pay corner, weighing in at $0.27 per day, it is the self-professed "World's Best Porn Site" with over 1,000 stars at its disposal, BRAZZERS.COM!

In the Free corner, it is the #5 Ranked Google Exact Match for "Free Porn," it has a DVD section, LOVEROFPORN.COM!



Click here for the Deathmatch Rules


Combatants, the dice have been cast and the result is: Tori Black being double penetrated.

In 31.66 seconds, I was able to load Brazzers.com up, type "Tori Black" into the search window and have a choice of seven movies:


Only seven? Bitch better work harder.


There is no double penetration video, so Brazzers is going to submit Best Birthday Ever, the only movie of the seven that seems to have a third person.

And now I have to adjust my chart because there's no entry for two girls and one guy. That can wait for another challenge. Anyway before we total the points let's look at the challenger:

I typed "Tori Black" into the search window at www.loverofporn.com and instead of search results, this came up:


These are not search results.


Stop the match! A registration gateway blocking search results? That's below the belt. Worse, I didn't ask to see "Sperm Drippers 1" and I'm not here to create an account. Who knows where my info will be sent. I'll fill out your form, but you pull another stunt like that and you're disqualified.

So I fill out the info, fake data of course. Then this screen came up.



If it's free, why do you need my credit card number?


The site is free--for one day. There is fine print at the bottom that they don't expect you to read. It says:

* After 1 days, uncanceled free accounts conveniently convert into standard accounts billed at $39.95 monthly.
**Bonus $1.20 memberships rebill after 10 days at $34.95 per month until canceled.


Basically, their sales pitch depends on the customer going through three steps. 1) Search for free porn. 2) do something tedious so you'll pull out the credit card rather than turn away. 3) forget to cancel after 1 day.

What's the "bonus $1.20" thing about? See how there's a box checked there for you? That's a subscription to another porn site that they hope you won't notice. They intended to charge you $74.90 without even showing you search results.

LOVER OF PORN IS HEREBY DISQUALIFIED FOR NOT ACTUALLY BEING A FREE SITE

.

That shit was disgusting. At least pay sites don't say they're free before charging you $74.90. That's almost an entire year with Brazzers. Oh, speaking of which:

THE WINNER:



WWW.BRAZZERS.COM


Hold on there, Brazzers, you're not getting off that easy. I'm going to find you a real opponent. Google #3 perhaps?

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Deathmatch Rules

Battles will take place in Thailand.


Or not.

TEST DESIGN

Coming up with a fair system was the challenge. People want to see hot girls doing certain things, so that will be the main part of the challenge: Find a randomly determined porn star performing a randomly determined action. This measures the chances of anyone finding anything he wants. Partial credit for finding Something Close.

Next you have the thing most web sites are based on: ease of navigation. Since this is a head-to-head test, we're just going to measure the time it takes to find what we're looking for or Something Close. Fastest time wins, runner-up gets partial credit.

Finally we have the Bells & Whistles section. A pay site should have a wealth of information, support, and other fun things to do while you're there. Can a pay site deliver just as well, or should you spring the 27 cents a day for Brazzers? (Yep, they offer a 1-year package for an amazingly low rate.) Sites will receive points for having a few key elements.

"Randomly determined action?" "Key elements?" All is explained in...

SCORING RULES

The two sites will be given a star and an action for that star to perform. A chart will be made for each challenge with 20 prominent porn stars and 10 simple sex acts. Using a 20-sided die and a 10-sided die, the challenge will come from this chart:

Today's Top Ranked Stars
Fun Porno Actions
1.Shyla Stylez
2.Lisa Ann
3.Audrey Bitoni
4.Jenna Jameson
5.Eva Angelina
6.Nikki Benz
7.Priya Rai
8.Jenna Presley
9.Jayden Jaymes
10.Carmella Bing
11.Alexis Texas
12.Tera Patrick
13.Sara Jay
14.Jesse Jane
15.London Keyes
16.Phoenix Marie
17.Tori Black
18.Asa Akira
19.Rachel Roxxx
20.Sasha Grey
1) gonzo
2) oral
3) anal
4) titjob
5) dp (MMF)
6) girl-girl
7) gangbang (M+/F)
8) orgy (M+/F+)
9) BDSM
10) FREAKY!!!

If the action is not found,
partial credit is 1 point per action in the movie
found on this list.

If the porn star is not found, partial credit is
2.5 points for finding one porn star "close enough"
in: Hair, Chest Size, Race, Body Type
.




Finding the star is worth 10 points. Finding a video of her doin' it your way is another 10 points. That's 20 points total.

The page loads and it's time to find what's-her-name doing that thing you like. Fastest time wins 10 points. That's the easy part. Second place gets points given by this formula: (Faster time / Slower time) x 10. If Site A takes 3 minutes and Site B takes 5 minutes, then Site A gets 10 points and Site B gets (3/5)x10 = 6 points. This measures the sites against each other, not against an arbitrary definition of "good navigation."

Lastly, the Bells & Whistles section scores sites on a system we already know: Points if you have it, zero if you don't.

Two points for each of these:
Full Screen Option
Download Option
Option to Stream Video
Porn Star Bios/Anecdotes
Working links to codecs and other media players
Turn HD On/Off
(12 points)

Four points for each of these:
Response from the support staff within 24 hours
Forums
(8 points)

The total perfect score is 50. Since we all grew up taking tests out of 100, we'll multiply the score by 2 in the end. That will show the sites on an A to F scale.

Tomorrow we test the test: Brazzers.com vs. Google's #5 Ranked for "free porn."

Friday, September 3, 2010

Site Issues

I'm going to stop talking about Taimanin Asagi now. If I don't, this entire blog might end up dedicated to it as I delve into the important differences between the movie, anime, and game. (Game Asagi takes it in the ass.)

While I was nerdgasming, website issues I'm supposed to be blogging about have been piling up. So here's what's been going on during the review:

Them blogs in the box:

Fuck them. Not a single referral. There are much better things to put in that box, like...what qualifies me to talk about porn, for example. On the other hand...

Adult Blog Hub:

...has actually sent me traffic before destroying my account. Their support email address was completely unresponsive, not only when I was not signed up but reporting their FAQ page didn't work, but after signing up as well. Furthermore, they deleted my account because they thought I was a professional. It's called "competence." Anyway, I made a post directed at them and cleverly made a new account so they'd have to go read it. No effect. Not even a response to the email. Overall, Adult Blog Hub is one, big, giant, gaping...


asshole.

JSexNetwork:

Gives the kind of service worth paying for. Speedy responses from a knowledgable support staff dedicated to making the site work for its users. When I reported that a server was acting slow for me, they replied:

"I will get the admins to reboot all the servers. Most of our servers have been running for over 250 days without a reboot. Lets see if that will speed things up."

Umm...wow. My computer can barely go a week without something going wrong. I've restarted like twice today. And, wow, download is at 700kbps.

Tune in next week for the first Free vs. Pay Deathmatch: Brazzers.com vs. Google's #5 hit for "free porn."

(What, you don't expect me to start with the Main Event, do you?)

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Ninjas & Demons - Chapter 2

This is the reason Taimanin Asagi is one of the most amazing adult films:


We say it a lot, but when do you see someone actually fucked silly?


Let me explain. The demon is in the details, that is, this movie is the story of how Sakura and Asagi ended up that way. I'll summarize here for two reasons: 1) it's worth mentioning and 2) there's a language barrier.

Oboro, the returned-from-the-underworld lady in red with demonic tricep fat, isn't content to simply have Asagi raped by demons, nor was Oboro satisfied to posess and rape Asagi's fiance. This movie tells the story of Oboro's true goal: Reduce the warrior Asagi to a weak, submissive, perpetually horny sex slave--a slave to the countless men that want to use her and a slave to the pleasure she gets from it.

American porn usually goes Problem-->Fuck-->Problem Solved. This film tells the story of Oboro's revenge as her carefully selected methods reduce Asagi from the top Demon Hunting Ninja to...


Above: Dick, Bush, and drilling for oil.


After the first gangbang we immediately cut to Asagi being raped by tentacles. They don't really explain much at this point.


Nor do they have to.


Thank you for that. Nana Aoyama is one of those girls that's so hot we'll watch her do just about anything. At first this scene seems disconnected and typical of porn--she just loves it. Her hated nemesis is back from the dead and she's a blindfolded prisoner, but the tentacles feel so amazing inside her she can't help but cum and cum as the creature violates her further and further, marking his territory with monster goop.

In the next scene Asagi is dried, has a new costume, and is strung up by the wrists. Then we learn Asagi's body is hypersensitive to sexual stimulation. The hated Oboro nearly forces Asagi to climax just from feeling her nipples through her costume.

I had my suspicions but finding the English version of the video game at HentaiGuess confirmed it: the demons in this series secret an aphrodisiac that permiates the skin and turns the whole body into one, big sex organ. Now Oboro isn't the hottest fire in the camp, but what happens in this scene...


Give me an "I!" What's that spell?


...is hot on so many levels. Even if you're like "fuck character drama" there's lesbian, domination and submission, bondage, forced climax, and, spoiler alert: squirting. Plot development wise it's also where Japanese speakers figure out the effects from the tentacle scene.

A few more extended scenes of this and you get:




Damn Oboro, is it Try Too Hard 'o'clock already?


Oh yeah, spoiler. Messing with dark powers doesn't work out as well as Oboro thought it would. Still, this doesn't end like you think it does. If you want to pick your ending, go get the game.

And there you have it--pornographic narrative. The story of mighty warriors reduced to silly sluts. Just like America, Japan has videos where they throw two people in a room and tell them to fuck for whatever reason. This film simply beats the shit out of all of them.