Ninjas & Demons - Part 1

"Hey, Asagi."

"What?"

"If tentacles are solid already, why do they need erect penises on the ends?"

"I don't know."

Click here if you don't get it.

Taimanin Asagi (Ninja Demon Hunter Asagi)

I am putting a ring on this one.

This is a nearly shot-for-shot remake of the anime and the first thing you notice is how well they (Attackers) pulled it off. The opening scene is complete with an upbeat theme song and 300-style camera speedups to create the illusion of fast-paced anime combat. Lesser moves with the Danger Chick concept usually fail right here because most porn stars aren't trained for fighting scenes and their slow, awkward movements make their performance unconvincing. The stars of this show have their inadequacies covered by camera effects so we actually believe we're watching ninjas fight.

As for the main cast, Asagi is the Goddess of Rapable Ninjas. She's clearly seen the anime and understands how to portray the unbearable extasy Asagi endures as countless dicks and dick-like things wail on her orgasm button. Oh, and she has stonking great, anime-sized tits.

I've seen enough. Nana Aoyama, will you marry me?

Sakura (国見奈々 / Nana Kunimi) is Asagi's kid sister. Sufficiently cute, her 34C's (Japan calls her cup size 95G, which sounds much better) don't really carry that anime buoyancy on screen. At least the costuming is screen-perfect.

Smaller boobs end up as ancilliary characters.

Oboro (石原あすか / Asuka Ishihara) really doesn't look like herself in this movie. While Aoyama can pull off ninja resolve with subtle facial ticks and Kunimi correctly ported anime cuteness into her character, Ishihara leaves the anime look behind and goes for soemthing a little more...scary clown.

Why so serious?

The first major sex scene involves Asagi and Oboro but not in the way you'd think. In a short time the movie sets up complex relationships between the characters that make the scene more interesting. Asagi goes to meet her fiance Kyousuke but finds the slain Oboro there instead, back from the Underworld. Oboro has posessed Kyousuke and managed to seal Asagi's power while her defenses were down. Helpless, Asagi must endure Oboro's clever two-part torture.

The first part is obvious; Oboro summons otherworldly beings to abuse Asagi.

Dink dink, dink dink dink DINK DINK di~nk...
You'd think Kyousuke is the cuckold in this case, but remember he's under Oboro's control and not really there. To hurt Asagi, Oboro starts to suck and fuck Asagi's fiance right in front of her, taunting the whole time. Well, except when the dick is in her mouth. This helps the whole scene come together. Normally it's just porn talk when the fuckee says "it's going in so deep" and "it feels so good." Now the lines have a real depth to them since they're being used to tease Asagi.

You might think this is cruel but remember, Asagi did kind of kill Oboro. Our culture says murder in movies is fine, but sex acts get you banned from most traffic exchanges. (Whoops.) This movie at least creates a fantasy setting where neither rape nor murder leave any kind of permanent damage...except Oboro's new thirst for vengeance.

Revenge is a dish best served with semen.

Hey, Asagi.

"What?"

Will my readers tune in Wednesday for Part 2?

"I don't know."

29% Suck?

Dear JSexNetwork,

Lately my downloads have been freezing and timing out of the server eventually. It seems I can cancel and resume the download, but this is cumbersome and after two restarts my video (~02356) is only 68% done and frozen again. Please advise.

I just emailed that. They don't know who I am or what I'm doing, so this'll be a good test. (My name isn't really Phil E. Ryder. Clever, huh.)

Also, those guys in the Promotions Everywhere box have about a week to keep their end of the bargain. They're on my front page all the time and I'm, what, buried 5 pages down in 1 of their zillion category pages?

Taimanin Asagi, next. Promise.

Existential Crisis... In My Pants

We interrupt the thorough enjoyment and review drafting for Taimanin Asagi (OMG <3 soooo~ <3 good) to bring you this important bulletin: Some shit is up with Adult Blog Hub.

I found them by searching for ways to promote this blog and I despise them for two reasons:

1. They removed my blog from their site after less than a day


2. THEY ARE FUCKING AWESOME

This blog was removed because they think it is a professional site. At this point, I'm the one paying paysites to blog about my experiences with them. (Oh, JSexNetwork: Naughty, naughty; We have to talk about your download issues. Later.) So, maybe I do plan to monetize this blog with referral links. If that alone was a rule that auto-disqualified people, jolly good then.

BUT, their fucking #3 ranked blog, A Slut's Memoir is a BDSM blog with referral links to kink shops. So she can do it with toys but I can't do it with movies? How do you think the discrimination makes me feel?

Notice, what you don't see here is lube.

A Slut's Memoir is an awesome blog. Author SlipperyWhenWet recounts probably true stories of all her tied-up, unrestrained sexual escapades with literary precision. And that brings us to the crisis ladies and gentlemen:

I'm mad at Adult Blog Hub for doing something wrong, but if I'm Porn Worth Watching then I have to tell you about them. So I've done my job. There's plenty of cool blogs there organized in a great system that lets you know who's updating more. (RSS might be easier though.) One more loose end:

This blog is under a month old. I wanted to help steer people away from the traffic circles out there: awful places where ads are the content. In the end, they must have smelled some corporate stank on here.


Do you smell that? Did I step in something?

I don't want to be corporate and stanky. The vision was an entertaining community where people talk about this stuff. That just means I have to rethink this entire blog.

So, for one, blogs. Gotta start doing them too. For two, free sites. It's probably going to be fun to pit free sites against pay sites, that way people can see if it's really worth it to them. For three, and I've been meaning to do this anyway, I have to find stuff that sucks. It's no fun, no credibility if I just love everything.

To sum up:

1. Adult Blog Hub is actually worth going to.


2. Adult Blog Hub is currently being an unresponsive, hypocritical bastard.


3. Apparently, I'm covering the whole Internet now.


4. Free vs. Pay, deathmatches next week.


5. My intended update schedule would have made me #10 on Adult Blog Hub.


6. I gotta go find more readers now.

Grow Your Penis By 6762 Miles

Stretch your erection halfway around the world, for at long last it is time to cover the JSexNetwork--the best source of Japanese porn I have ever seen. I have to admit this is kind of cheating. I'm already familiar with the JSexNextwork and I'm happy to be back on it. So before I get into the opinionated stuff, let's cover the Unbiased Facts:

The J Sex Network

Join if you love/skip if you hate: Japanese girls...they count as "Asian."
Cost: 1 candy bar a day
Come For The: Feature-length adult videos; short, pleated, schoolgirl uniforms
Stay For The: The Weird Stuff

Japan is the weirdness capital of the world.
Find the Japan 1 Fuck Grand Prix Championship in their "Exclusive AV Programs" section.

The Signup Story

There is no loud "Join Now" button in your face. In fact, non-members can browse all sections of the site. Only movie downloads and full-sized images aren't available. When ready, click on registration. Memberships are recurring, so mark your calendar with a cancellation date. (Of course, I want you to subscribe through my affiliate links and stay forever, but I don't need chargebacks or angry readers.)

Signup was rather painless since my Brazzers signup showed me the hard way which credit card won't go apeshit on me. (HSBC Mastercard.) You can choose between 30 and 60 days, with the 60-day option saivng you about $7.90. (Extra Starbucks for YOU!)

Your username and passcode are nine-digit numbers given to you on signup. Plus: No bickering over usernames, no typing and retyping passwords. Minus: You almost have to copy and paste your login. Browsers have "REMEMBER PASSWORD" checkboxes. USE THEM.

I went to D-Bank to download the movie that made me go "holy shit, it's time to join JSexNetwork again:"

Ninjas AND tentacles? Where do I sign up?
By the way, it isn't that I expect this film to be jizztastic. (It probably will be.) There's a "Dude, you gotta see this" aspect at work here. Live-action anime. Ninjas. I'm in.

Click the movie you want and you have to copy/paste your password again. Check the "remember" box. Here's where you need some Japanese patience. This isn't a Tube Site where you click and watch a stream. You're downloading a feature-length movie. Right-click, "Save Target As." My technology is shitty so I waited about half an hour for my 2GB download in two files. This is the part where you multi-task and reward yourself later.


You worked hard. You deserve one of these.

I did have a problem with the first download, it seemed to save the shortcut rather than the file. I refreshed the page and all was well.

Here's another cool thing: Verotel, the merchant provider of many adult sites, now has a QuickCharge account. If you agree to log in you don't have to keep entering your data. If you're using the Internet as a porno-go-round, that's awesome.

So that's the story of JSexNetwork. This post says nothing of the amazing and wonderful differences between Japanese porn and American (more toys; more big, natural breasts; innovative plots and scenes) nor has it reviewed a movie. Tune in next week for Taimanin Asagi (Ninja Demon Hunter Asagi).

Dat Asa - Part 2

Last time, on Porn Worth Watching: Our heroine was left with a gigantic James Lipton buried deep inside her tiny Actor's Studio. So stunned from the filling experience, she lost all memory of the script and began screaming the stage directions:


[FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FACE RIGHT!]

And now, the exciting conclusion.

Pardon me for being facetious, but the lack of good script writing combined with bad delivery is one of the things that makes porn so damn funny. Done properly, the viewer can at least look past all that and see the erotic forest through the poorly-written trees. This film does it OK if cheating wives is your thing. There are only two lines once the fucking starts:

"I'm a cheating whore."
"...better than my husband's cock."

Spaced out through the sex to break up the monotony of fucking (it is kind of repetitive) it gets the job done if (and only if) you've really got a thing for slut wives.

Wives don't just go from "I promised God I wouldn't" to "stick it in my cheatin' vadoodle" just like that. Believe me, I've tried. (But if you do like that instant "your brain does what I want, right now" stuff, check out the Erotic Mind Control Story Archive.)

Good stories come from conflict. It would have been much hotter if we got to watch Asa struggle against her loyalty a bit more, and during more stages of foreplay. I'm talking about the difference between porn and erotica:

Porn: Asa gets on the couch, opens her legs and let's Keiran spit-lube her into readiness.
Erotica: Keiran steps behind Asa and lowers her bra straps. He begins to massage her nipples and she shudders from the pleasure, but moans "I can't" as she pushes one bra strap back up but doesn't move away. Holding her left bra strap with her right arm causes her breasts to lewdly display on her forearm.

Both scenes cost the same to shoot.

Porn: Keiran wips out his Rod of Lordly Might and Asa spends the next 10 minutes trying to fit as much of it down her throat as possible.
Erotica: After muting her protests with kisses, Asa pushes him away but is still on the couch. Keiran releases his erection and asks her if she remembers how good it felt. Asa is forced to admit what happened and agrees to blow him but after that he must leave. We all know it won't end there, but Asa needs to fool herself right now.

Too complicated? How about having Asa follow Keiran's example and keep her voice down. This is a slut wife fetish film, at least maintain the premise of Not Wanting To Wake the Husband.

Well, that's my gripe. On to happier things: Asses.

Personally, I don't understand what's so magical about some little brown eye, but everyone in Brazzers just seems to love sticking their fingers in it.

Mordor's lesser-known countryside, MorBackDor.

When I first watched a Pornstar's Punnishment video I thought the anal fingering (yes, that's a tag on Brazzers) was special. It turn out not only is this a common practice, but everyone seems to have their own style:


Keiran Lee throws a mean knuckleball.

I should mention Asa's third primary line here, "put your finger in my ass." I get it, we're reeeeeeeeeeeeeeally turned on because lust has made you take leave of your anal senses, but this is the wrong shot for it:


Now paint the Sistine Chapel on my back. Oh, <3 ~yeeeah~

Not to be a hater, but this shot makes her implants look fake. There's no winning there, you turn on the implant lovers and turn off the nature lovers. Whatever, everything looks real in a bra. They totally make up for it in the next shot though. It isn't every day I watch porn and learn something:


DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. (I'm totally trying this at home.)

Remember, these people are trained professionals and their studios probably have insurance contracts. I'm not responsible if you end up really embarassed when you explain to the doctors what happened.

Overall I can't say this film is a date replacement on a cold Friday night, but when I've already got a companion I'd click my way here for a little ambiance. (Or, "prediction of her future.") This is one of Asa Akira's better projects; I've seen her humble beginnings. I'll leave you with the main reason to go get her stuff:


She rolls herself into the cutest ball of fuck you've ever seen.

Dat Asa - Part 1

The problem with reviews is you get a very short time with your subject and you're off to the next one. Today, Brazzers taught me a valuable lesson: things grow and change as you think about them. I was ready to dismiss the site as just a lot of the same crap behind all that exquisite, high-class photography and video quality, but one, new video changed my mind:

Asa Akira in "Say 'Hello' To Your Husband For Me."

It's almost like they read about my troubles in Japan last week. Searching for "Asian" now turns up videos with actual Asians. The best one they have, though, isn't until page 2.

Asa Akira is Japanese by race but she fucks American-style. (Yes, there is a huge difference.) Naturally gorgeous and curvy, stunning in heavy eye make-up, artistically inked and one of the most amazing asses on a Japanese girl, it is worth the price of admission to Brazzers to see the four hours of material they have with her, never mind the other 988 porn stars there. Or...you could go to the Asa Akira main site where you'll get her stuff and 13 other sites.

OK I'm done orally pleasing her, time to get off my knees and talk about this flick.


Those geniuses in the Movie Naming Department may have already tipped you off that this is a cheating wife film. Maybe the fact that it's in the Real Wife Stories section also clued you in. Or, the first three minutes of exposition could have told you that. The plot is simple, but it's still an impressive bit of character development for such a small bit of dialogue. Asa travels the world on business and doesn't get much time to spend with her husband, apparently played by John Belushi:


Samurai Pornstar is dishonored by your adultery.

The couple finally has that dinner and movie night they've always wanted, but you can tell they've been apart so long the "about time" attitude is burying any romantic comfort it might have brought them. Asa is also troubled by someone, a lover or stalker perhaps, that won't stop calling her. It turns out he's a little bit of both, and this is where the movie stops making sense so they can fuck.

Awoken by the stalker's 4:20am call (Brazzers freezes their clocks on 4:20) and worried there might be a stalker in her house, Asa goes downstairs in her sexy underwear armed with a rather lightweight iPhone.


Knock out a burgular? There's an app for that.

This is where everyone's talent gets underused. Through some great act of irony Asian skin doesn't look great in yellow, and through an act of DNA Asa's best assets are her face and ass, neither of which is the focus in this shot. Keiran Lee (the one in the suit), on the other hand, is actually British and should therefore have a much better bad guy accent. He's here to half-seduce, half-blackmail Asa into letting him fuck the fidelity out of her like he does on all those business trips. I'll settle for your best Jeremy Irons impression.


Really my darling, I can free you from this dreary love life.

And cue the cheesy music. It's porn so he'll go leaping towards the clittoris, even though there are lots of things you can do first. Asa will try to get that massive rod down her throat, bless her heart, but he'll have to settle for that trick where she uses her hands to make him feel like the shaft is deep in there. Then, agains all laws of biology, this happens:


OH GOD IT'S IN MY LUNGS!

His cock is literally 1/8 her height and he buries that thing to the balls in her. HARD. A LOT. It's like she has a secret door in there.

OK, I've covered the uninteresting parts. Tune in later for Part 2.

Ow, My Aching Sense of Time

Back from Japan. The jet lag is violent, clubbing me into unconsciousness at inopportune hours. So worth it. Here's a minor fraction of why:



I told you I'd bring you back something good. Generally I'm anti-banner and I'll get some text link code eventually BUT, those three names up there are valuable information. Those women make some damn fine movies and you can get them without any trouble.

Anyway, I found my next target for a movie review:


Look upon their works, ye mighty, and weep. Taimanin Fucking Asagi has a live-action release. The very existence of this film is earth-shattering news with fangasmic implications.

Firstly, this is the fastest anime-->live-action release ever. First released in Japan for download on February 24th, 2007 we see a live-action just a short three years later. Dragon Ball Z needed over 20 years.

Secondly, this makes Pixy Soft the baddest ass of all the hentai creation studios, or at least a trendsetter (we hope). This is the strongest show of capability since convincing Hentai Key to take all their movies down. A shame, since I found Pixy Soft in the first place by noticing all my favorite movies had the same maker. Pixy Soft has risen to fame by creating sexy action chicks that get in over their heads and end up gangbanged by man and monster alike. What can I say, they really know how to treat a lady.

This makes the live-action Japanese studio Attackers the perfect company to produce this film. Basically, the top anime producer of ninjas, investigators, valkyries, and other danger chicks failing their missions and getting reamed for it has teamed up with the top live-action producer of...just that.

If this trend keeps up, if other studios keep making these team projects, there will not be enough sperm in any human ball sack to keep up.

The future is a wonderful place.