Thursday, September 30, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Update
No response yet on my suggestion for Priya Rai doing an anal scene. Not that I expected the clouds to part and Lord Brazzerus would conjure me up some random desire, but it's good they at least have the feedback mechanism in place. They probably tally the stars and scenes and actually do it when they get enough requests.
I'm going to go watch Poon Tang Clan: Enter The 36 Chambers of Muff.
Why?
Because it's called Poon Tang Clan: Enter The 36 Chambers of Muff.
Again, I love and hate Brazzers. The afore mentioned film parodies neither the Wu Tang Clan nor Kung Fu movies. It doesn't even have Asians. Or Blacks.
It does, however, have a tattooed, pierced, schoolgirl getting double-penetrated by a dude and a chick with a strap-on.
Wait, a Suicide Girl is actually having sex with someone? Best pornsite ever.
I'm going to go watch Poon Tang Clan: Enter The 36 Chambers of Muff.
Why?
Because it's called Poon Tang Clan: Enter The 36 Chambers of Muff.
Again, I love and hate Brazzers. The afore mentioned film parodies neither the Wu Tang Clan nor Kung Fu movies. It doesn't even have Asians. Or Blacks.
It does, however, have a tattooed, pierced, schoolgirl getting double-penetrated by a dude and a chick with a strap-on.
Wait, a Suicide Girl is actually having sex with someone? Best pornsite ever.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Deathmatch: Brazzers vs. Pornhub
After other "free" sites got pwned, PornHub inserts $0.50 to continue.
In the red corner, representing Pay Sites, weighing in at 900 models, it is the self-professed "World's Best Porn Site," BRAZZERS DOT COM!!
In the blue corner, representing Free Sites from around the Internet, it claims it can "make your dick bigger & your pussy wet," PORNHUB DOT COM!!
Alright contestants, make this a good clean fight. The scoring rules are here. Today's challenge is...
And a tough challenge indeed for our competitors. Anjeli Rai is a hot little number with 34Ds of Big Tit action, but will your average or even above average porn site shelve this spicy Indian sensation?
Diving into the frey first, Brazzers.com offers an impressive 19 scenes within the first five seconds to score a quick ten points. But do any of them have anal? A weakness and a strength, Brazzers keeps screenshot galleries of all their videos so you can scan for anal content, but that will eat up a lot of time.
At three minutes and counting, we cannot find a confirmed anal shot of Prija and may have to settle for alternate content.
And...nope. Brazzers.com enters Classic Pool Boy Adventures: Big Tits, Blowjob, Facial, Indian, MILF in 3 minutes, 29 seconds (209 seconds).
Challenger PornHub's search for Priya Anjeli Rai turns up nothing. Search results for "Indian" and "Indian Anal" return roughly the same page. Challenged as was Brazzers, there's plenty of Indians and plenty of anal but no way to be sure of getting an Indian doing anal.
Near the top of the page and without much time to spare, Pornhub.com enters Anal Loving Arabic Beauty in 2 minutes, 54 seconds (176 seconds).
Time Score: A quick 10 to Pornhub for being faster, leaving Brazzers with [10*176/209] = 8 points.
Star Score: A quick 10 to Brazzers for an Exact Star Match. Pornhub has to make do with a bevvy of close-enoughs. They'll satisfy your Indian craving but have nothing if you're an Anjeli fan.
 |  |
| Prija Anjeli Rai | Not Prija Anjeli Rai |
PornHub scores 2.5 for a Body Type Match, forgoing race/chest matches in favor of time and content points.
Content: Full marks for PornHub. From 6 minutes, 47 seconds on, we have anal. A merciful 3 for Brazzers, gaining porno points for gonzo, oral, and titjob.
Bonus Options: Brazzers picks up two for each of the following: Full Screen Option, Download Options, Streaming, Porn Star Bios, HD On/OFF. 10 Points. Brazzers gets an additional 4 points for having forums attached to every movie.
Pornhub offers Full Screen and Streaming but that's about all you get for free. 4 Points. Pornhub claims to have a community but you have to sign up. We'll award them the 4 points anyway.
| Brazzers | PornHub | |
| CONTENT | 13 | 12.5 |
| TIME | 8 | 10 |
| OPTIONS | 14 | 8 |
We're not going to wait 24 hours to test a response from the support team because it's 35 to 30.5 in Brazzer's favor. A 4-0 win in this category by Pornhub would make the score 35 to 34.5, still a loss for PornHub.
Meaning: Brazzers delivers Priya Anjeli Rai videos better and with more options. Had the dice landed on "titjob" or "gonzo" this wouldn't have been a close contest at all.
It doesn't show up in the test, but Brazzers accepts scene suggestions for its stars. That is, you can suggest Priya Anjeli Rai do an anal scene, especially since neither competitor had exactly that.
So I suggested it. Let's see what happens.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Musings of Membership
I'm not dead, just employed. I'll have to fix that.
One thing about reviews in general is you're getting the reviewer's take after a very short time with whatever he's reviewing. No one ever talks about the extended experience with the product because no one ever writes a review after spending a long time with the product. The more famous the reviewer, the worse this problem gets--these guys are paid to be funny about something once a week.
So at somewhat regular points I'll describe what it's like to be a member of whatever. Such posts will have the "lifestyle" tag.
Brazzers: I love and hate Brazzers. It is a paragon of photo and video quality to the point where most stolen images you see (on caption sites) are from Brazzers. The women are famous in their industry, and to get such fame one must be scorchingly hot even while not having sex. With the top quality women in top quality photography, what could go wrong?
Brazzers makes no sense sometimes. For instance, if you read their plot summaries they are alarmingly pro-emasculation. Particularly in the Big Tits in Sports section which usually involves a guy losing to a girl and then she gives him pity sex. Well, whatever gets the vaj on the dick I suppose.
No, I don't suppose. I demand more from my porn. You lured me in here with promises of a story, now make a good one and keep it as part of the sex. I'm tired of just two idiots fucking. When I care about the characters and when it actually means something for them to be having sex, the scene is that much hotter.
If that sounds good, you might want to try...
JSexNetwork: I will love you forever for getting Taimanin Asagi Live-Action. That film is an example of what I'm talking about. Asagi's first sex scene is between characters we've met and care about, at least a little. Also, the entire first sex scene is driving a plot. The point is that the Japanese treat their subject matter with respect and the finished product comes out better. Americans know that light shows, smoke and mirrors sell product, so they make a shit product and focus on the light shows to sell it.
Sure they have fuck films too. They're just up front about it. "Maria Ozawa in Lewd Body Hard Sex." They're not trying to tell me Maria Ozawa is playing a scientist but all they do is slip a lab coat on her and it's off for sexing in 5 minutes.
Hentai Key: They have tons of sites but you're only going to need 3. Hentai Movie Planet, Master Bloodfer for doujinshi, and Hentai Guess for games--Like the Taimanin Asagi game which has an English crack. (Seeing the game in English provides much insight into the movie.) Most of the other sites look like they were coded in the late 90s (and probably were) but believe it or not, the downloads work.
Honestly, I find myself rifling through their sites for a rare comic or game that's caught my curiosity. It's a great resource to have on hand. Downloading even one movie, book, or game makes the whole thing worth the price of admission.
PubaCash: I'm not a big fan of individual star sites, but the membership decision here is a no-brainer. Are you an Asa Akira fan? Yes? Then go sign up. There are 14 sites on their network and one of them is general porn, but really you're a fan of that particular performer. Go check out their stuff. Want to collect all a girl's videos? Get to it.
Follow the links in my Porn Worth Buying window to all of these sites. Chrystal Wynd's site is free and there is a new story up. If it isn't posted there yet, it is at the Erotic Mind Control Story Archive.
One thing about reviews in general is you're getting the reviewer's take after a very short time with whatever he's reviewing. No one ever talks about the extended experience with the product because no one ever writes a review after spending a long time with the product. The more famous the reviewer, the worse this problem gets--these guys are paid to be funny about something once a week.
So at somewhat regular points I'll describe what it's like to be a member of whatever. Such posts will have the "lifestyle" tag.
Brazzers: I love and hate Brazzers. It is a paragon of photo and video quality to the point where most stolen images you see (on caption sites) are from Brazzers. The women are famous in their industry, and to get such fame one must be scorchingly hot even while not having sex. With the top quality women in top quality photography, what could go wrong?
Brazzers makes no sense sometimes. For instance, if you read their plot summaries they are alarmingly pro-emasculation. Particularly in the Big Tits in Sports section which usually involves a guy losing to a girl and then she gives him pity sex. Well, whatever gets the vaj on the dick I suppose.
No, I don't suppose. I demand more from my porn. You lured me in here with promises of a story, now make a good one and keep it as part of the sex. I'm tired of just two idiots fucking. When I care about the characters and when it actually means something for them to be having sex, the scene is that much hotter.
If that sounds good, you might want to try...
JSexNetwork: I will love you forever for getting Taimanin Asagi Live-Action. That film is an example of what I'm talking about. Asagi's first sex scene is between characters we've met and care about, at least a little. Also, the entire first sex scene is driving a plot. The point is that the Japanese treat their subject matter with respect and the finished product comes out better. Americans know that light shows, smoke and mirrors sell product, so they make a shit product and focus on the light shows to sell it.
Sure they have fuck films too. They're just up front about it. "Maria Ozawa in Lewd Body Hard Sex." They're not trying to tell me Maria Ozawa is playing a scientist but all they do is slip a lab coat on her and it's off for sexing in 5 minutes.
Hentai Key: They have tons of sites but you're only going to need 3. Hentai Movie Planet, Master Bloodfer for doujinshi, and Hentai Guess for games--Like the Taimanin Asagi game which has an English crack. (Seeing the game in English provides much insight into the movie.) Most of the other sites look like they were coded in the late 90s (and probably were) but believe it or not, the downloads work.
Honestly, I find myself rifling through their sites for a rare comic or game that's caught my curiosity. It's a great resource to have on hand. Downloading even one movie, book, or game makes the whole thing worth the price of admission.
PubaCash: I'm not a big fan of individual star sites, but the membership decision here is a no-brainer. Are you an Asa Akira fan? Yes? Then go sign up. There are 14 sites on their network and one of them is general porn, but really you're a fan of that particular performer. Go check out their stuff. Want to collect all a girl's videos? Get to it.
Follow the links in my Porn Worth Buying window to all of these sites. Chrystal Wynd's site is free and there is a new story up. If it isn't posted there yet, it is at the Erotic Mind Control Story Archive.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Closed
Closed for Jewish holidays
I didn't say I was Jewish, only that I was closed. In the meantime:
The pussy you could be saving by switching to Geico.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Monday, September 6, 2010
Deathmatch: Get Me Tori Black Double Penetrated
This summary is not available. Please
click here to view the post.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Deathmatch Rules
Battles will take place in Thailand.
Or not.
Next you have the thing most web sites are based on: ease of navigation. Since this is a head-to-head test, we're just going to measure the time it takes to find what we're looking for or Something Close. Fastest time wins, runner-up gets partial credit.
Finally we have the Bells & Whistles section. A pay site should have a wealth of information, support, and other fun things to do while you're there. Can a pay site deliver just as well, or should you spring the 27 cents a day for Brazzers? (Yep, they offer a 1-year package for an amazingly low rate.) Sites will receive points for having a few key elements.
"Randomly determined action?" "Key elements?" All is explained in...
Finding the star is worth 10 points. Finding a video of her doin' it your way is another 10 points. That's 20 points total.
The page loads and it's time to find what's-her-name doing that thing you like. Fastest time wins 10 points. That's the easy part. Second place gets points given by this formula: (Faster time / Slower time) x 10. If Site A takes 3 minutes and Site B takes 5 minutes, then Site A gets 10 points and Site B gets (3/5)x10 = 6 points. This measures the sites against each other, not against an arbitrary definition of "good navigation."
Lastly, the Bells & Whistles section scores sites on a system we already know: Points if you have it, zero if you don't.
Two points for each of these:
Full Screen Option
Download Option
Option to Stream Video
Porn Star Bios/Anecdotes
Working links to codecs and other media players
Turn HD On/Off
(12 points)
Four points for each of these:
Response from the support staff within 24 hours
Forums
(8 points)
The total perfect score is 50. Since we all grew up taking tests out of 100, we'll multiply the score by 2 in the end. That will show the sites on an A to F scale.
Tomorrow we test the test: Brazzers.com vs. Google's #5 Ranked for "free porn."
Or not.
TEST DESIGN
Coming up with a fair system was the challenge. People want to see hot girls doing certain things, so that will be the main part of the challenge: Find a randomly determined porn star performing a randomly determined action. This measures the chances of anyone finding anything he wants. Partial credit for finding Something Close.Next you have the thing most web sites are based on: ease of navigation. Since this is a head-to-head test, we're just going to measure the time it takes to find what we're looking for or Something Close. Fastest time wins, runner-up gets partial credit.
Finally we have the Bells & Whistles section. A pay site should have a wealth of information, support, and other fun things to do while you're there. Can a pay site deliver just as well, or should you spring the 27 cents a day for Brazzers? (Yep, they offer a 1-year package for an amazingly low rate.) Sites will receive points for having a few key elements.
"Randomly determined action?" "Key elements?" All is explained in...
SCORING RULES
The two sites will be given a star and an action for that star to perform. A chart will be made for each challenge with 20 prominent porn stars and 10 simple sex acts. Using a 20-sided die and a 10-sided die, the challenge will come from this chart:| 1.Shyla Stylez 2.Lisa Ann 3.Audrey Bitoni 4.Jenna Jameson 5.Eva Angelina 6.Nikki Benz 7.Priya Rai 8.Jenna Presley 9.Jayden Jaymes 10.Carmella Bing 11.Alexis Texas 12.Tera Patrick 13.Sara Jay 14.Jesse Jane 15.London Keyes 16.Phoenix Marie 17.Tori Black 18.Asa Akira 19.Rachel Roxxx 20.Sasha Grey | 1) gonzo 2) oral 3) anal 4) titjob 5) dp (MMF) 6) girl-girl 7) gangbang (M+/F) 8) orgy (M+/F+) 9) BDSM 10) FREAKY!!! If the action is not found, partial credit is 1 point per action in the movie found on this list. If the porn star is not found, partial credit is 2.5 points for finding one porn star "close enough" in: Hair, Chest Size, Race, Body Type. |
Finding the star is worth 10 points. Finding a video of her doin' it your way is another 10 points. That's 20 points total.
The page loads and it's time to find what's-her-name doing that thing you like. Fastest time wins 10 points. That's the easy part. Second place gets points given by this formula: (Faster time / Slower time) x 10. If Site A takes 3 minutes and Site B takes 5 minutes, then Site A gets 10 points and Site B gets (3/5)x10 = 6 points. This measures the sites against each other, not against an arbitrary definition of "good navigation."
Lastly, the Bells & Whistles section scores sites on a system we already know: Points if you have it, zero if you don't.
Two points for each of these:
Full Screen Option
Download Option
Option to Stream Video
Porn Star Bios/Anecdotes
Working links to codecs and other media players
Turn HD On/Off
(12 points)
Four points for each of these:
Response from the support staff within 24 hours
Forums
(8 points)
The total perfect score is 50. Since we all grew up taking tests out of 100, we'll multiply the score by 2 in the end. That will show the sites on an A to F scale.
Tomorrow we test the test: Brazzers.com vs. Google's #5 Ranked for "free porn."
Friday, September 3, 2010
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Ninjas & Demons - Chapter 2
This is the reason Taimanin Asagi is one of the most amazing adult films:
We say it a lot, but when do you see someone actually fucked silly?
Let me explain. The demon is in the details, that is, this movie is the story of how Sakura and Asagi ended up that way. I'll summarize here for two reasons: 1) it's worth mentioning and 2) there's a language barrier.
Oboro, the returned-from-the-underworld lady in red with demonic tricep fat, isn't content to simply have Asagi raped by demons, nor was Oboro satisfied to posess and rape Asagi's fiance. This movie tells the story of Oboro's true goal: Reduce the warrior Asagi to a weak, submissive, perpetually horny sex slave--a slave to the countless men that want to use her and a slave to the pleasure she gets from it.
American porn usually goes Problem-->Fuck-->Problem Solved. This film tells the story of Oboro's revenge as her carefully selected methods reduce Asagi from the top Demon Hunting Ninja to...
Above: Dick, Bush, and drilling for oil.
After the first gangbang we immediately cut to Asagi being raped by tentacles. They don't really explain much at this point.
Nor do they have to.
Thank you for that. Nana Aoyama is one of those girls that's so hot we'll watch her do just about anything. At first this scene seems disconnected and typical of porn--she just loves it. Her hated nemesis is back from the dead and she's a blindfolded prisoner, but the tentacles feel so amazing inside her she can't help but cum and cum as the creature violates her further and further, marking his territory with monster goop.
In the next scene Asagi is dried, has a new costume, and is strung up by the wrists. Then we learn Asagi's body is hypersensitive to sexual stimulation. The hated Oboro nearly forces Asagi to climax just from feeling her nipples through her costume.
I had my suspicions but finding the English version of the video game at HentaiGuess confirmed it: the demons in this series secret an aphrodisiac that permiates the skin and turns the whole body into one, big sex organ. Now Oboro isn't the hottest fire in the camp, but what happens in this scene...
Give me an "I!" What's that spell?
...is hot on so many levels. Even if you're like "fuck character drama" there's lesbian, domination and submission, bondage, forced climax, and, spoiler alert: squirting. Plot development wise it's also where Japanese speakers figure out the effects from the tentacle scene.
A few more extended scenes of this and you get:
Damn Oboro, is it Try Too Hard 'o'clock already?
Oh yeah, spoiler. Messing with dark powers doesn't work out as well as Oboro thought it would. Still, this doesn't end like you think it does. If you want to pick your ending, go get the game.
And there you have it--pornographic narrative. The story of mighty warriors reduced to silly sluts. Just like America, Japan has videos where they throw two people in a room and tell them to fuck for whatever reason. This film simply beats the shit out of all of them.
We say it a lot, but when do you see someone actually fucked silly?
Let me explain. The demon is in the details, that is, this movie is the story of how Sakura and Asagi ended up that way. I'll summarize here for two reasons: 1) it's worth mentioning and 2) there's a language barrier.
Oboro, the returned-from-the-underworld lady in red with demonic tricep fat, isn't content to simply have Asagi raped by demons, nor was Oboro satisfied to posess and rape Asagi's fiance. This movie tells the story of Oboro's true goal: Reduce the warrior Asagi to a weak, submissive, perpetually horny sex slave--a slave to the countless men that want to use her and a slave to the pleasure she gets from it.
American porn usually goes Problem-->Fuck-->Problem Solved. This film tells the story of Oboro's revenge as her carefully selected methods reduce Asagi from the top Demon Hunting Ninja to...
Above: Dick, Bush, and drilling for oil.
After the first gangbang we immediately cut to Asagi being raped by tentacles. They don't really explain much at this point.
Nor do they have to.
Thank you for that. Nana Aoyama is one of those girls that's so hot we'll watch her do just about anything. At first this scene seems disconnected and typical of porn--she just loves it. Her hated nemesis is back from the dead and she's a blindfolded prisoner, but the tentacles feel so amazing inside her she can't help but cum and cum as the creature violates her further and further, marking his territory with monster goop.
In the next scene Asagi is dried, has a new costume, and is strung up by the wrists. Then we learn Asagi's body is hypersensitive to sexual stimulation. The hated Oboro nearly forces Asagi to climax just from feeling her nipples through her costume.
I had my suspicions but finding the English version of the video game at HentaiGuess confirmed it: the demons in this series secret an aphrodisiac that permiates the skin and turns the whole body into one, big sex organ. Now Oboro isn't the hottest fire in the camp, but what happens in this scene...
Give me an "I!" What's that spell?
...is hot on so many levels. Even if you're like "fuck character drama" there's lesbian, domination and submission, bondage, forced climax, and, spoiler alert: squirting. Plot development wise it's also where Japanese speakers figure out the effects from the tentacle scene.
A few more extended scenes of this and you get:
 |  |  |
Oh yeah, spoiler. Messing with dark powers doesn't work out as well as Oboro thought it would. Still, this doesn't end like you think it does. If you want to pick your ending, go get the game.
And there you have it--pornographic narrative. The story of mighty warriors reduced to silly sluts. Just like America, Japan has videos where they throw two people in a room and tell them to fuck for whatever reason. This film simply beats the shit out of all of them.
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