Update

No response yet on my suggestion for Priya Rai doing an anal scene. Not that I expected the clouds to part and Lord Brazzerus would conjure me up some random desire, but it's good they at least have the feedback mechanism in place. They probably tally the stars and scenes and actually do it when they get enough requests.

I'm going to go watch Poon Tang Clan: Enter The 36 Chambers of Muff.

Why?

Because it's called Poon Tang Clan: Enter The 36 Chambers of Muff.

Again, I love and hate Brazzers. The afore mentioned film parodies neither the Wu Tang Clan nor Kung Fu movies. It doesn't even have Asians. Or Blacks.

It does, however, have a tattooed, pierced, schoolgirl getting double-penetrated by a dude and a chick with a strap-on.


Wait, a Suicide Girl is actually having sex with someone? Best pornsite ever.

Musings of Membership

I'm not dead, just employed. I'll have to fix that.

One thing about reviews in general is you're getting the reviewer's take after a very short time with whatever he's reviewing. No one ever talks about the extended experience with the product because no one ever writes a review after spending a long time with the product. The more famous the reviewer, the worse this problem gets--these guys are paid to be funny about something once a week.

So at somewhat regular points I'll describe what it's like to be a member of whatever. Such posts will have the "lifestyle" tag.

Brazzers: I love and hate Brazzers. It is a paragon of photo and video quality to the point where most stolen images you see (on caption sites) are from Brazzers. The women are famous in their industry, and to get such fame one must be scorchingly hot even while not having sex. With the top quality women in top quality photography, what could go wrong?

Brazzers makes no sense sometimes. For instance, if you read their plot summaries they are alarmingly pro-emasculation. Particularly in the Big Tits in Sports section which usually involves a guy losing to a girl and then she gives him pity sex. Well, whatever gets the vaj on the dick I suppose.

No, I don't suppose. I demand more from my porn. You lured me in here with promises of a story, now make a good one and keep it as part of the sex. I'm tired of just two idiots fucking. When I care about the characters and when it actually means something for them to be having sex, the scene is that much hotter.

If that sounds good, you might want to try...

JSexNetwork: I will love you forever for getting Taimanin Asagi Live-Action. That film is an example of what I'm talking about. Asagi's first sex scene is between characters we've met and care about, at least a little. Also, the entire first sex scene is driving a plot. The point is that the Japanese treat their subject matter with respect and the finished product comes out better. Americans know that light shows, smoke and mirrors sell product, so they make a shit product and focus on the light shows to sell it.

Sure they have fuck films too. They're just up front about it. "Maria Ozawa in Lewd Body Hard Sex." They're not trying to tell me Maria Ozawa is playing a scientist but all they do is slip a lab coat on her and it's off for sexing in 5 minutes.

Hentai Key: They have tons of sites but you're only going to need 3. Hentai Movie Planet, Master Bloodfer for doujinshi, and Hentai Guess for games--Like the Taimanin Asagi game which has an English crack. (Seeing the game in English provides much insight into the movie.) Most of the other sites look like they were coded in the late 90s (and probably were) but believe it or not, the downloads work.

Honestly, I find myself rifling through their sites for a rare comic or game that's caught my curiosity. It's a great resource to have on hand. Downloading even one movie, book, or game makes the whole thing worth the price of admission.

PubaCash: I'm not a big fan of individual star sites, but the membership decision here is a no-brainer. Are you an Asa Akira fan? Yes? Then go sign up. There are 14 sites on their network and one of them is general porn, but really you're a fan of that particular performer. Go check out their stuff. Want to collect all a girl's videos? Get to it.

Follow the links in my Porn Worth Buying window to all of these sites. Chrystal Wynd's site is free and there is a new story up. If it isn't posted there yet, it is at the Erotic Mind Control Story Archive.

Deathmatch: Get Me Tori Black Double Penetrated

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Deathmatch Rules

Battles will take place in Thailand.

Or not.

TEST DESIGN

Coming up with a fair system was the challenge. People want to see hot girls doing certain things, so that will be the main part of the challenge: Find a randomly determined porn star performing a randomly determined action. This measures the chances of anyone finding anything he wants. Partial credit for finding Something Close.

Next you have the thing most web sites are based on: ease of navigation. Since this is a head-to-head test, we're just going to measure the time it takes to find what we're looking for or Something Close. Fastest time wins, runner-up gets partial credit.

Finally we have the Bells & Whistles section. A pay site should have a wealth of information, support, and other fun things to do while you're there. Can a pay site deliver just as well, or should you spring the 27 cents a day for Brazzers? (Yep, they offer a 1-year package for an amazingly low rate.) Sites will receive points for having a few key elements.

"Randomly determined action?" "Key elements?" All is explained in...

SCORING RULES

The two sites will be given a star and an action for that star to perform. A chart will be made for each challenge with 20 prominent porn stars and 10 simple sex acts. Using a 20-sided die and a 10-sided die, the challenge will come from this chart:

Today's Top Ranked Stars	Fun Porno Actions
1.Shyla Stylez 2.Lisa Ann 3.Audrey Bitoni 4.Jenna Jameson 5.Eva Angelina 6.Nikki Benz 7.Priya Rai 8.Jenna Presley 9.Jayden Jaymes 10.Carmella Bing 11.Alexis Texas 12.Tera Patrick 13.Sara Jay 14.Jesse Jane 15.London Keyes 16.Phoenix Marie 17.Tori Black 18.Asa Akira 19.Rachel Roxxx 20.Sasha Grey	1) gonzo 2) oral 3) anal 4) titjob 5) dp (MMF) 6) girl-girl 7) gangbang (M+/F) 8) orgy (M+/F+) 9) BDSM 10) FREAKY!!! If the action is not found, partial credit is 1 point per action in the movie found on this list. If the porn star is not found, partial credit is 2.5 points for finding one porn star "close enough" in: Hair, Chest Size, Race, Body Type.

Finding the star is worth 10 points. Finding a video of her doin' it your way is another 10 points. That's 20 points total.

The page loads and it's time to find what's-her-name doing that thing you like. Fastest time wins 10 points. That's the easy part. Second place gets points given by this formula: (Faster time / Slower time) x 10. If Site A takes 3 minutes and Site B takes 5 minutes, then Site A gets 10 points and Site B gets (3/5)x10 = 6 points. This measures the sites against each other, not against an arbitrary definition of "good navigation."

Lastly, the Bells & Whistles section scores sites on a system we already know: Points if you have it, zero if you don't.

Two points for each of these:
Full Screen Option
Download Option
Option to Stream Video
Porn Star Bios/Anecdotes
Working links to codecs and other media players
Turn HD On/Off
(12 points)

Four points for each of these:
Response from the support staff within 24 hours
Forums
(8 points)

The total perfect score is 50. Since we all grew up taking tests out of 100, we'll multiply the score by 2 in the end. That will show the sites on an A to F scale.

Tomorrow we test the test: Brazzers.com vs. Google's #5 Ranked for "free porn."

Dat Asa - Part 2

Last time, on Porn Worth Watching: Our heroine was left with a gigantic James Lipton buried deep inside her tiny Actor's Studio. So stunned from the filling experience, she lost all memory of the script and began screaming the stage directions:


[FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FACE RIGHT!]

And now, the exciting conclusion.

Pardon me for being facetious, but the lack of good script writing combined with bad delivery is one of the things that makes porn so damn funny. Done properly, the viewer can at least look past all that and see the erotic forest through the poorly-written trees. This film does it OK if cheating wives is your thing. There are only two lines once the fucking starts:

"I'm a cheating whore."
"...better than my husband's cock."

Spaced out through the sex to break up the monotony of fucking (it is kind of repetitive) it gets the job done if (and only if) you've really got a thing for slut wives.

Wives don't just go from "I promised God I wouldn't" to "stick it in my cheatin' vadoodle" just like that. Believe me, I've tried. (But if you do like that instant "your brain does what I want, right now" stuff, check out the Erotic Mind Control Story Archive.)

Good stories come from conflict. It would have been much hotter if we got to watch Asa struggle against her loyalty a bit more, and during more stages of foreplay. I'm talking about the difference between porn and erotica:

Porn: Asa gets on the couch, opens her legs and let's Keiran spit-lube her into readiness.
Erotica: Keiran steps behind Asa and lowers her bra straps. He begins to massage her nipples and she shudders from the pleasure, but moans "I can't" as she pushes one bra strap back up but doesn't move away. Holding her left bra strap with her right arm causes her breasts to lewdly display on her forearm.

Both scenes cost the same to shoot.

Porn: Keiran wips out his Rod of Lordly Might and Asa spends the next 10 minutes trying to fit as much of it down her throat as possible.
Erotica: After muting her protests with kisses, Asa pushes him away but is still on the couch. Keiran releases his erection and asks her if she remembers how good it felt. Asa is forced to admit what happened and agrees to blow him but after that he must leave. We all know it won't end there, but Asa needs to fool herself right now.

Too complicated? How about having Asa follow Keiran's example and keep her voice down. This is a slut wife fetish film, at least maintain the premise of Not Wanting To Wake the Husband.

Well, that's my gripe. On to happier things: Asses.

Personally, I don't understand what's so magical about some little brown eye, but everyone in Brazzers just seems to love sticking their fingers in it.

Mordor's lesser-known countryside, MorBackDor.

When I first watched a Pornstar's Punnishment video I thought the anal fingering (yes, that's a tag on Brazzers) was special. It turn out not only is this a common practice, but everyone seems to have their own style:


Keiran Lee throws a mean knuckleball.

I should mention Asa's third primary line here, "put your finger in my ass." I get it, we're reeeeeeeeeeeeeeally turned on because lust has made you take leave of your anal senses, but this is the wrong shot for it:


Now paint the Sistine Chapel on my back. Oh, <3 ~yeeeah~

Not to be a hater, but this shot makes her implants look fake. There's no winning there, you turn on the implant lovers and turn off the nature lovers. Whatever, everything looks real in a bra. They totally make up for it in the next shot though. It isn't every day I watch porn and learn something:


DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. (I'm totally trying this at home.)

Remember, these people are trained professionals and their studios probably have insurance contracts. I'm not responsible if you end up really embarassed when you explain to the doctors what happened.

Overall I can't say this film is a date replacement on a cold Friday night, but when I've already got a companion I'd click my way here for a little ambiance. (Or, "prediction of her future.") This is one of Asa Akira's better projects; I've seen her humble beginnings. I'll leave you with the main reason to go get her stuff:


She rolls herself into the cutest ball of fuck you've ever seen.

Dat Asa - Part 1

The problem with reviews is you get a very short time with your subject and you're off to the next one. Today, Brazzers taught me a valuable lesson: things grow and change as you think about them. I was ready to dismiss the site as just a lot of the same crap behind all that exquisite, high-class photography and video quality, but one, new video changed my mind:

Asa Akira in "Say 'Hello' To Your Husband For Me."

It's almost like they read about my troubles in Japan last week. Searching for "Asian" now turns up videos with actual Asians. The best one they have, though, isn't until page 2.

Asa Akira is Japanese by race but she fucks American-style. (Yes, there is a huge difference.) Naturally gorgeous and curvy, stunning in heavy eye make-up, artistically inked and one of the most amazing asses on a Japanese girl, it is worth the price of admission to Brazzers to see the four hours of material they have with her, never mind the other 988 porn stars there. Or...you could go to the Asa Akira main site where you'll get her stuff and 13 other sites.

OK I'm done orally pleasing her, time to get off my knees and talk about this flick.


Those geniuses in the Movie Naming Department may have already tipped you off that this is a cheating wife film. Maybe the fact that it's in the Real Wife Stories section also clued you in. Or, the first three minutes of exposition could have told you that. The plot is simple, but it's still an impressive bit of character development for such a small bit of dialogue. Asa travels the world on business and doesn't get much time to spend with her husband, apparently played by John Belushi:


Samurai Pornstar is dishonored by your adultery.

The couple finally has that dinner and movie night they've always wanted, but you can tell they've been apart so long the "about time" attitude is burying any romantic comfort it might have brought them. Asa is also troubled by someone, a lover or stalker perhaps, that won't stop calling her. It turns out he's a little bit of both, and this is where the movie stops making sense so they can fuck.

Awoken by the stalker's 4:20am call (Brazzers freezes their clocks on 4:20) and worried there might be a stalker in her house, Asa goes downstairs in her sexy underwear armed with a rather lightweight iPhone.


Knock out a burgular? There's an app for that.

This is where everyone's talent gets underused. Through some great act of irony Asian skin doesn't look great in yellow, and through an act of DNA Asa's best assets are her face and ass, neither of which is the focus in this shot. Keiran Lee (the one in the suit), on the other hand, is actually British and should therefore have a much better bad guy accent. He's here to half-seduce, half-blackmail Asa into letting him fuck the fidelity out of her like he does on all those business trips. I'll settle for your best Jeremy Irons impression.


Really my darling, I can free you from this dreary love life.

And cue the cheesy music. It's porn so he'll go leaping towards the clittoris, even though there are lots of things you can do first. Asa will try to get that massive rod down her throat, bless her heart, but he'll have to settle for that trick where she uses her hands to make him feel like the shaft is deep in there. Then, agains all laws of biology, this happens:


OH GOD IT'S IN MY LUNGS!

His cock is literally 1/8 her height and he buries that thing to the balls in her. HARD. A LOT. It's like she has a secret door in there.

OK, I've covered the uninteresting parts. Tune in later for Part 2.

Finding Ms Right Now

Today I will tell you a love story. A magical tale of penis meets digital girl. :::Cue up Michael Bolton::: "When a pe~nis, loves a digital girl / fingers start touching his pants / sure they're really his own / but he pretends they're hers...

So I searched the top rated models on Brazzers because hey, why go through 989 porn stars when the thousands of members can help me figure out who's worth watching, right?

Don't get me wrong, there all hotties. Mostly. 989 (probably more after this writing) is enough for anyone to shop for what they want. Anyway, I found these on the first page (30 per page):

Nice rack, but in the mood for something else.	Nice tits, but they're on a horse.	Kill it with fire. Wait...mom?

A lot of them seem so whorishly dolled-up. Don't get me wrong--I love that. For some reason on that day at that time I asked myself:

Is there a natural beauty here? Someone enhanced rather than created by all the photoshopping and make-up?

Yes, and she's on the second page with a rating of 8.56, with the highest rating being 8.73; so she's 98% Hottest on Brazzers.

Pardon me while I sigh dreamily and breathe out her name. ~ <3 Austin Kincaid <3 ~

What photo, you ask, among the sea of tans, tits, and threesomes caught my attention? This one.

So I clicked her page and had 23 scenes to choose from, based only on the title and a picture:

I loves me some blackmail porn where she ends up loving it anyway, so I figured I'd fire up this doobie and see how high it takes me.

The Secret Is Out

Omigod omigod omigod she's so hot. When you've been watching porn, selling porn, sometimes hangin' out with porn stars as long as I have, you start to think no one can make you flip out over beauty like that anymore.

Brazzers classifies her as a MILF. This must be a biological technicality; at 30 she has flawless skin, tender curves, and a sultry voice. ~ <3 Austin <3 ~ Where was I? Right.

That sultry voice of hers is giving phone sex. To herself mostly. Make sure BOTH your speakers are working or you'll have to download it legally in one of 7 formats and play it off your hard drive.

Anyway, you don't want to miss this. In an industry where so little character development happens, we get a good, long look at everything we need to know...about why we want to fuck the shit out of her. Long, smooth legs that lead all the way up to lacy underwear. The high heels arch her calves and make her legs look extra sensual. Double-D breasts strain a tight top and she's playing with them, suggesting it's as much fun for her as it would be for you.

And don't get me started on heavy eye shadow. It makes the eyelids look heavy, tricking your sexual subconscious into thinking she's having an orgasm. Combine that with bright colors (the peacock mating ritual) and the jizz is as good as on her tits already.

Movie? Well, compared to anime hardly anything happens. The dude is some kind of investigator and has to report her phone sex activities to her husband. She does this because the husband has a small dick. (Weak, but Kincaid is more than hot enough to get away with it.) Our investigator proposes a solution: he has a huge cock, so if he gives it to her she won't have to have the phone sex her husband hates so much. (Very faulty logic, but it gets the dick in her.)

Personally, I think she's way hotter in this with her clothes on. Her beauty shines through clothing, inspiring awe and anticipation.
All while sucking a dick.

But then this happens	And this.	And this.

Over and over again. Sure that's the good part, but it's also regular. For all her exotic beauty (Half-Cherokee FTW!) in the end, she's simply getting pounded with a huge cock. I think she deserves more. Like double-penetration.

Or a money shot on those awesomely-constructed tits. That works.

Of Prisses and Bitches

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Blogging Despite God's Best Efforts

Somewhere in the cosmos is at least one divine being. Far beyond human intellect, it manipulates minor events in space and time that butterfly effect into massive phenomena. If it wants you dead it will not strike you down with lightning; it will cause you to run out of milk so you have to cross a street while a driver's child is distracting him. Even that is too simple an operation for this being. Also, this being is a motherfucking asshole dead set against this blog happening.

In a way it's good that all this happened. I need to test the customer service on these places and I'm proud to say Brazzers passed with flying colors. It's my credit card companies that failed.

Technology is amazing--before you make a purchase, like a porn site, your credit card will automatically decide that it isn't you making the purchase and will shut down. To its credit, Brazzers will send you to a backup merchant if the first one fails. So I had to call the bank and tell them that I wasn't a crook and that I was, in fact, buying porn. My card still wouldn't work, even though the bank told me it should.

But what about all the data I'd entered three times?

I called the Brazzers customer service hotline. Let me repeat that. Brazzers customer service hotline. It has real people that are friendly and trained to be patient with spelling out names and numbers. So lay your "is-this-a-fly-by-night-sham-operation" fears to rest. People pay mortgages and feed children with the money you give Brazzers.

They were very helpful, taking care of everything on their end and even taking my info over the phone with another card. That card failed. Amazingly enough, Brazzers was willing to let ME put THEM on hold while I called that second bank to explain to them that I am not a crook. You'll get no such customer service from your bank.

The cause of the auto-rejection was the card having a zero balance, hadn't been used recently, and the billing source was in a different country. Still, it was annoying. It's a credit card. They can run the charge and call me later. Anyway. This bank managed to get the card unstuck, and now I'm a proud member.

Oh, Brazzers will let you pay by check.

The delay tale isn't done. Brazzers is so hot my video card blew out. I lost all the notes, wisecracks, and photoshop crops for the very first real article I was putting together for this thing.

Well all that's done. Now I can rebuild that post. I'm excited, I was reporting on the brand new section Brazzers added. :::phone rings:::

What? Fuck.

Gotta go, family is whining about something. Fuck you, you divine asshole.