Monday, July 26, 2010

Of Prisses and Bitches

Like I said before, Brazzers.com just added a new section called Pornstars Punishment. I think they mean Pornstar's Punishment but whatever. I assumed they put their best boobs forward and clicked the leftmost, topmost movie to check out what this new site has to offer. Without further ado, pornworthwatching.net presents a review of:

Pretentious Little Priss Whore



Watch If You Love / Skip If You Hate: Rough Sex, London Keyes, Revenge Fantasy, Slapping, Choking

You can't tell from her strained expressions under the yoke of male rage for which she is to blame, but London Keyes is stunningly beautiful. With soft, brown eyes and full, red lips complimented by expert make-up and high-def production, she is a canvas of poise and beauty...that suddenly gets a dick rammed through it. What? It's not like you don't already know about her tits and pussy.

Anyway, I have issue with the title.

Prissy: overly prim and precise. (Probably a blend of prim and sissy, adds Merriam-Webster.) "Priss" is not a word, more of a Bubble Gum Crisis/Blade Runner. reference.

Oh, I get it. We think Priss = "no leggy spready" so it's boner-inducingly satisfying when Mr. Penis forcibly explains her prim and proper place. And she loves it. I guess that's the "Whore" part of the title. I see what you did there, you clever movie-namers.

The plot is halfway between believable and that pornographically-hilarious thin veneer of an excuse to get uglies to bump. ("Did someone order a pizza with extra sausage?") Our hero, Jordan, takes London Keyes to a Very Nice Restaurant. She ignores his attempts at conversation, is rude and inattentive...yeah, you know, is an overall bitch to him. Bitch. Not prim, proper, or prissy. The Grammar Gods would frown upon thee were it not for the Porno Gods jizzing all over their prissy faces.

See if she were actually prissy she would have turned her nose at Jordan's hobbies and instructed him about fine, "real" hobbies like equestrian events and...OH RIGHT! FUCKING!



Oh, my that is a deep throat. Basically after several rudeness infractions (You're just going to have to watch; she really does something reprehensible.) Jordan snaps and decides London will be a "good little girl." Turned on by his sudden manliness she immediately begins enjoying the rough treatment, as if her arousal level were a carnival game where one could raise the bar by slapping something repeatedly.


Those of you that like to feel shreds of humanity with your rough sex porn will be delighted to know that this is not the proper way to choke a person. London has a face of aroused defiance, not one of desperation for air. Jordan is demonstrating the proper way to choke a Muppet.


The degradation continues with something I have no choice but to call "the fastball." Thank...well, London can thank herself for this one. Porn stars clean themselves GOODbefore an anal scene, so don't worry about it when those fingers go right back in her mouth. Furthermore, the movie Clerks 2 assures us it is perfectly OK to go ass to mouth in the heat of the moment.

Overall, this video makes up for in production quality what it lacks in convincing performances. I understand the revenge fantasy, but London's enjoyment and approval of her treatment don't really make for good vengeance. She's not supposed to like it. In the restaurant, I never heard Jordan orgasmically scream "OH YEAH, SHIT! FUCK! ORDER EXPENSIVE FOOD AND DON'T GIVE ME ANY SEX! OH YEAH! IGNORE MY FUCKING BRAINS OUT!" Yet there's London, getting off on her half of the story.

Speaking of getting off, I'll leave you with a Money Shot game. Can you tell the sperm from the spit? OnMouseOver code doesn't work in this blog, so scroll down to see answers.




Mmmm, psghetti.


Ready for the answers?





How many did you get right?

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