Ow, My Aching Sense of Time

Back from Japan. The jet lag is violent, clubbing me into unconsciousness at inopportune hours. So worth it. Here's a minor fraction of why:



I told you I'd bring you back something good. Generally I'm anti-banner and I'll get some text link code eventually BUT, those three names up there are valuable information. Those women make some damn fine movies and you can get them without any trouble.

Anyway, I found my next target for a movie review:


Look upon their works, ye mighty, and weep. Taimanin Fucking Asagi has a live-action release. The very existence of this film is earth-shattering news with fangasmic implications.

Firstly, this is the fastest anime-->live-action release ever. First released in Japan for download on February 24th, 2007 we see a live-action just a short three years later. Dragon Ball Z needed over 20 years.

Secondly, this makes Pixy Soft the baddest ass of all the hentai creation studios, or at least a trendsetter (we hope). This is the strongest show of capability since convincing Hentai Key to take all their movies down. A shame, since I found Pixy Soft in the first place by noticing all my favorite movies had the same maker. Pixy Soft has risen to fame by creating sexy action chicks that get in over their heads and end up gangbanged by man and monster alike. What can I say, they really know how to treat a lady.

This makes the live-action Japanese studio Attackers the perfect company to produce this film. Basically, the top anime producer of ninjas, investigators, valkyries, and other danger chicks failing their missions and getting reamed for it has teamed up with the top live-action producer of...just that.

If this trend keeps up, if other studios keep making these team projects, there will not be enough sperm in any human ball sack to keep up.

The future is a wonderful place.

Subscriptions, Save Me

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Japan: Respect, Culture, Porn

Japan is a wonderful place with a culture thousands of years old and--

Fuck that, what's the porn like? Well, 90% of it is Same Shit, Different Island. It's the minor cultural differences that shape the other 10% of it into Porn Worth Watching.

Don't worry, I *WILL* bring you back something from Japan, I promise. Here are the top 5 reasons you're looking forward to that, and I'll be developing some of these ideas in later posts when I'm not on vacation. (That's right: sequence of events: Phil plans Japan vacation, much time passes, Phil gets crazy blog idea and actually does it, Phil's flight leaves for Japan.)

The Top 5 Reasons You're Looking Forward to Seeing Japanese Porn Here

5. Show me a country's taboos and I'll show you it's porn shelf. Office ladies, schoolgirls, teachers, groping on the train, and fucking a girl JUST because she has big titties.

4. No duckface. Ever wonder what porn would be like if women didn't contort their painted faces and curse all the time? It'd be much sexier.

3. Fully customizable. When you don't know what they're saying, you get to fill in the blanks. Whatever you wish she was saying, well for all you know, she's saying it.

2. Variety of actions. Like I said in the Discipline Rei review, Japan is considerate and stuffs a variety of activity into its porn. Sure the live stuff is a bit limited by reality but it still goes way beyond blowjob-->doggie-->reverse cowgirl-->blowjob-->finish

And the Number One Reason You Want To See Japanese Stuff Here: The Asian tag is like bacon--anything you put it on gets better. There is no "Asian" tag in Japan--there's an "American" tag. EVERYONE HERE IS ASIAN. Think of the implications here. Whatever you want, whatever you're into, whatever you want to see, be it big breasts, foot fetish, threesomes, anal, lesbian, rape, toys, or toys raping lesbians, imagine it where everyone is Asian.

Yeah. I'm near Akihabara so I'm going to check out the sex shops and see what's good. Then when I get back I'm going to find the sites that have that good stuff and get you guys (both of you) hooked up.

What To Do

This blog really should be a Monday, Wednesday, Friday thing. After putting the review for Discipline together, I now know I cannot do three of those a week. Not until readers start 1) showing up and 2) joining sites so I can quit my day job and do this for you all the time.

So what exactly will I be doing?

Well, I'm going to Japan this week. That'll really fuck up the M, W, F schedule, but BOY will I let you know if there's anything in Japan worth watching.

Anyway, there are really three primary things to talk about in this blog:

1. The Lifestyle - Day-to-day life of a paid member. In terms of finding porn it really is the sweet life, usually measured in Crap You Don't Have To Put Up With Anymore.


2. Erotic Writing - mine or someone else's; I do story / erotic literature sites also.


3. Movie Reviews - duh.

And there's the Monday, Wednesday, Friday. "Lifestyle" posts can be replaced by anything particularly interesting I find, like a porn star interview or coverage of an industry show.

Exxxotica New York is in September.

Blogging Despite God's Best Efforts

Somewhere in the cosmos is at least one divine being. Far beyond human intellect, it manipulates minor events in space and time that butterfly effect into massive phenomena. If it wants you dead it will not strike you down with lightning; it will cause you to run out of milk so you have to cross a street while a driver's child is distracting him. Even that is too simple an operation for this being. Also, this being is a motherfucking asshole dead set against this blog happening.

In a way it's good that all this happened. I need to test the customer service on these places and I'm proud to say Brazzers passed with flying colors. It's my credit card companies that failed.

Technology is amazing--before you make a purchase, like a porn site, your credit card will automatically decide that it isn't you making the purchase and will shut down. To its credit, Brazzers will send you to a backup merchant if the first one fails. So I had to call the bank and tell them that I wasn't a crook and that I was, in fact, buying porn. My card still wouldn't work, even though the bank told me it should.

But what about all the data I'd entered three times?

I called the Brazzers customer service hotline. Let me repeat that. Brazzers customer service hotline. It has real people that are friendly and trained to be patient with spelling out names and numbers. So lay your "is-this-a-fly-by-night-sham-operation" fears to rest. People pay mortgages and feed children with the money you give Brazzers.

They were very helpful, taking care of everything on their end and even taking my info over the phone with another card. That card failed. Amazingly enough, Brazzers was willing to let ME put THEM on hold while I called that second bank to explain to them that I am not a crook. You'll get no such customer service from your bank.

The cause of the auto-rejection was the card having a zero balance, hadn't been used recently, and the billing source was in a different country. Still, it was annoying. It's a credit card. They can run the charge and call me later. Anyway. This bank managed to get the card unstuck, and now I'm a proud member.

Oh, Brazzers will let you pay by check.

The delay tale isn't done. Brazzers is so hot my video card blew out. I lost all the notes, wisecracks, and photoshop crops for the very first real article I was putting together for this thing.

Well all that's done. Now I can rebuild that post. I'm excited, I was reporting on the brand new section Brazzers added. :::phone rings:::

What? Fuck.

Gotta go, family is whining about something. Fuck you, you divine asshole.

Updating for my Fan.

Still finding the right language for the description and the basic model of something that's going to be a regular job for me. Here's what I want to do:

• Paysite reviews. I join a paysite without telling them what I'm doing. Screenshots and what I think of them go here. The goal is for you to know if you want to purchase membership before you go through the paygate. Yes, this project will cost me money. Sooner or later I'm going to setup a Paypal donate thing.


• Erotic writing. Free, because I'm not yet full of myself.


• Interviews. Believe it or not, I can go get my hands on a porn star. Should I nab one, I'd like to interview her. Bonus points if she's from the site I'm reviewing.

Is it bad that if I get my hands on a porn star, all I want to do is interview her?

Second Post

And now I'm going to teach myself how to use images in a blog. Drumroll, please.



Ta da! Woooooooooooo! Oh that's beautiful. That's the spreading of some Blogger Wings right there. I have created fire.

Demotivatior by me, Phil E. Ryder. As you can see, my commentary on this began long before I was a blogger. Oh shit, I'm a blogger now.

I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this picture. Tentacle rape pregnancy fetish? Fine. Certainly nothing wrong with that. Of course, most girls would object to that sort of thing, perhaps even be hurt by it. Ms. Background over there is a bit underdeveloped; boobs are too small for a hot model shot and belly is too small for a pregnant fetish, but at least she has her game face on.

Our star, the one wearing the tentacle panties, is trying way too hard for that defiant look. You know, the one you're supposed to fap to because it's soooooooooooooooo hot she doesn't like it but is getting it anyway. Anyway, she overshoots that expression and looks more like she's mad at the tentacle for not picking the kids up from soccer practice. *sigh* Or making her miss House because daddy needs some lovin.'

This is not the first time in the history of porn a girl contorts her face all wrong but some producer thinks it's "hot, hot, hot, baby!"

Kill it with fire.